if carlsberg did phone wallpapers...

things will explode, and i will forget.

- I'm not usually like this, I'm sorry.
- Oh yes you are.
- I could be fun, if you want. I could be pensive, uhh... smart, supersticious, brave? And I, uhh, I can be light on my feet. I could be whatever you want. You just tell me what you want, and I'm gonna be that for you.
- ...You're dumb.
- I could be that.

get that skin out in the open!

So baby, make a move
My neon eyes are set on you
The devil's language taste of lust

Tell me what can I say to make your body come this way
We're only two in a crowded room where others fade away
It's only a crime if I get caught
It's only a line if it get's bought

I woke up 12:05, I left that room with no goodbye
And now I'm on my way back home, that's why I'm telling you
It's not that your lipstick failed
But girl I was just born to bail
I do it better on my own

It's the same game I play 'til the give becomes the take.

if i'm young and stupid, at least i'm doing it while i'm young and stupid.

the propensity and tenacity is boggling. i like boggle. not a lot, but a little. it seems like any mid-twentieth century combustion engine (and please don't think we are not too far apart). i have the ability to sustain a shade of perpetual motion that needs only to be fueled by the motivation of one's self. here in lies the crux. i am impossible. i feel like i am both a bad tooth and the dentist. no dentist operates on themselves. it is impossible. but for some reason, i fight so hard for the ability to self-prescribe and self-medicate as if i was some sort of sherlock holmes -meets- indiana jones -meets- nancy drew. (except not a teenaged girl).

the importance of people in the life of someone looking to make positive changes is priceless. i am often unable to put such a price on people of equitable importance in my life. and often also forget to let them know.

i have done a lot of taking in my few days. of friend's and family's love, patience, grace, forgiveness, etcetera. anyone's days as an "all take, no give" friend or family member may not be numbered, but truly will never be lived to their fullest. renovations and reconstruction. tongue biting is for the dishonest. and nothing makes sense of it all like a healthy measure of grace. grace. Grace grace grace.

grace - slowly.

youtube it. top tune.

it'll never last.

You've got magic inside your finger tips
It's leaking out all over my skin
Everytime that I get close to you
You're making me weak with the way you
Look through those eyes

But all I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

Yeah, oh I need you

I remember the way that you move
Your dancin' easily through my dreams
It's hittin' me harder and harder with all your smiles
You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

All I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

Oh baby I need you
To see me, the way I see you
Lovely, wide awake in
The middle of my dreams

All I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

All I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above
Yeah, oh oh da da da do do do do do
Ah, I...
I need you

slow sundays.

i'm not comfortable with how competitive life has gotten. i'm not happy with how easy it is for people to judge each other on some of the most fickle bullshit. it's heartbreaking. all it makes me want to do is give up on this world - i have little urge to make things better and every desire to pack up all my shit, move into the mountains and kiss electricity and the monotonous hum of the daily grind goodbye. it's not that i don't like working hard. it's just that i don't like doing it for nothing.

on a similar note, i refuse to define my sense of happiness by what i own or what i consume. the worst part is, when i focus on what truly makes me happy, i feel like i'm just ignoring all the horrible atrocities taking place in this world every day. and that just makes me feel like a dick. is the secret sticking some starving kid you sponsor on your fridge to remind yourself you give a shit? is that all it takes? i don't want to wander through life pursuing my trivial endeavors and completely missing the point. but maybe if i had a day job bore the shit out of me i'd have the motivation to make a conscious difference. for now, i'll just spend my spare 15 minutes at the airport reading about people who still think it's okay to beat the shit out of women and hate the fact that i am rendered almost entirely helpless.

"the world is in bad shape. it's fucked. and there's nothing i can do about it. check out my new iphone app!"

is it september yet?

i need $$$$$.

memento vivere.

when the streetlights come on and the fireflies flicker,
i am walking her home making plans.
with her shoes in her hands, I am watching her dance,
as the hem of her dress gently kisses the grass.

it suddenly rains on us,
she is laughing and turns up her hands.

like autumn turns leaves, winter will breathe, cold on our necks, snow in our paths.
wherever she goes, all that I know about us is that beautiful things never last,
that's why fireflies flash.

i never stare.

love only knows why the fire is a fire
and it burns from letting go.
steady as we go.
and I never stare.
'cause she blinds me with her beauty,
and I never dare,
dare to have a doubt.
'cause I'd rather be blind, I realized.
'cause I'd rather be blind, I realized.
while the fire,
while the fire was out.

my right hand.

the pains and stories that have recently been engraved into my poor old right hand;

- parrot bite (travis).
- morning stretch hand finger chunk gash (didn't realise there was a fan hanging from the ceiling).
- pringle can dent (one of my best friends somehow managed to cut my knuckle when offering his pringles to me).

and by 'recently', i mean yesterday. sakes.

on a brighter note, i have the best friends and family in the world. it's a sadly generic comment to make, but it's true. i bloody love the lot of 'em. i'm home and it's pretty fantastic!

third day running, finally thinking.

i'm thinking finally, i've found a love that's true.
i'm suddenly smart, suddenly kind, i'm suddenly you.

i'm thinking finally, i'll need a love that's new.
suddenly coy, suddenly yours, suddenly new, suddenly you.

i'm thinking i could be anything she wants me to be.
i've gotta stay cool, gotta stay yours, i gotta stay me.

and i told my heart,
"why can't you take it easy on me just this one time.
well, i know you. you'll fall too easy.
well i want her mine. don't be so clumsy.
i know you're falling tonight,
but this time, she's right for me".

i'm thinking maybe my heart knows me more than i thought.
it saw her smile, it heard her voice, it wants what she's got.

so i told my heart,
"don't you dare take it easy on me, not this one time.
'cause i know you'll fall too easy, cause you want her mine.
go be, be clumsy. cause we're falling tonight.
'cause this time she's right for me"

ohhhhh!

don't you dare take it easy on me, not this one time.
'cause i know you'll fall too easy, cause you want her mine.
go be, be clumsy. cause we're falling tonight.
'cause this time she's right for me.

please stay (once you go away).

the best album ever?



probably. it's either that or rumours.

loud eaters are not keepers.

as are most people, in general: loud eaters, thinkers, drinkers, sleepers.. but fuck, this guy is annoying! leave. leave now, please. sucking your fingers like it's KFC or some shit. it's NOT! i mean, who sharpens a knife to eat corn on the fucking cob; fuckin' who!? and it's bare foot in here, guy - get rid of them leather slips. they're loud, they're ugly, they'd rip into my skin. they suck.

so, by request;

5. love bird
4. common brown bear
3. clown fish
2. pink flamingo
1. the mallard

~

in lieu of someone (more drizzle, sorry).

it's hard to hide from yourself when you feel as if you've already disappeared. i used to make a lot of noise in bands around my hometown and my home country. i miss doing that. i miss the buzz, i miss the boys, i miss the energy, i miss the noise, i miss touring, i miss the creative aspects of the group that you can't quite maintain alone. i'm going to get back up there. i will get this together. honestly, i will. at this moment, however, i'm somewhere in the middle of tokyo, japan. in an anonymous hotel room. surrounded by anonymous heat. with a nameless depression. and i hate it. i don't need this fear. i don't need this down. i miss my friends. i hate pictures of them. it makes me want to swim my ass back home. but i can't; i can only play sad music and keep the lights off. these are feelings that have been present from day one. i should have stopped thinking of home by now?

i'd like to sit beside an ocean. unaffected by the cold but so taken by the breeze that there would be no need for music, even. faces lit by stars and moon, hair fighting the breeze shading the eyes - images like these have kept and currently keep me from shutting down. this is probably just one of those days. and i guess i need to stop reminding myself of her. maybe. i dunno. i'm just glad i have this place. my sanctuary. i hate long words. i love short words. i love eyes. and hair. and smiles. and lips. and tears. and breaths. and lashes. and noses. and rain. and roses. and freedom. and the night. and the day.

there was this girl. and we were off, and we were on. we were right and we were wrong. we were lost and we were found. we were always together and now we're never around.

bring her out of me. i found an old note;

"make it naked. let me know. these thoughts, these sounds make everything else fail. nothing stands when we stare. when we touch. your skin is so perfect, so secret. i have to taste you. i need it. eyes like an angel. spell me out with your eyes. you do. you can. you will. i am so a slave to your eyes and your name. occupy me and my mind. make me scream so silently. your lips make me sweat. so soft, so perfect. so familiar. worlds crumble when you all but blink your eyes. so strong, so bright. so hopeful. i need to breathe your air. to feel your breath. and to need your feel. you make me want kneel when i talk, constantly. so bare. so naked. so simple. have me. as much or as little as you feel. hair so golden, so perfect - the way it falls in front of your eyes, casting shadows, the way your eyes sparkle like secrets. like little children hiding behind white fences, one eye, out, bare, staring, waiting. you love my words. i would give you the english language, over and again, if you would let me. if you would lend me your time, lend me your eyes. so perfect.

i was looking at you. i always will. you are my angel. love me. this is as desperate and deep as you'll see me. for you. for anyone".

what was i thinking? my pee smells like grape soda. i want to go home,

ben hen pen len glenn then wrenn ken men friend. x

~

OH, AND NOW HE'S BUTTERING TOAST LOUDER THAN LAYING CEMENT. CUNT.

the back.

we're back together,
fixed what was broken,
made it better,
we're putting down our guns,
i've become you,
and we've become us,
walking on table-tops,
we're staring at the sun,
staring at the sun.

~

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sake_bomb

~

music
mam
dad
brother
friends
beer and, for that matter, booze
girls
waterslides
hot dogs w/ cheese and ketchup (mustard, an optional treat)
new jeans
a good face and beard wash
my laptop
heat
sweat
my ipod
my camera
the earth quake/alarm clock
hash browns
eggs
bacon
english sausages
australian beer
camping
camp fires
fires in general
fires in specific
fireworks
a good book
organization
ocd
converse (not them shoe types, although i'm re-discovering them)
birds
baxter (also poetry, and brandy)
overly green grass
climbing trees
bob marley
club sandwiches
piano music
football
art
art i can't afford
construction
coffee
confidence
waterslides
bad hair
ensue
my unibrow
marianas trench
marvin gaye
gavin degraw
japanese vendors
opinion
fact
acoustic guitars
drinking to someone else's continued success
jagermeister
jagermeister guitars
wireless everything
my family (definitely not the show)
a good handful of baby powder
a good handful of boob
flamingos
phil collins
expression
arcades
loud noise
conmen
competition
blue
orange
orange juice
pirates (thanks james)
candles
cherry blossoms
lillis
lotus flowers
koi carp
snowboarding
natural light
dental hygiene
my dog
fiji
ankle support
skinless, broken toe
a nice mustache
anything by the police
starbucks
tradition versus time
art versus science
football versus rugby
american office versus british office
golf
beating the hell out of my drum sets
milkshakes
handshakes
shoes off
cleaning my car
hot chocolate (the band and the beverage)
not tube socks
putting on weight
style
safety
family
love
home

~

i think it was wednesday morning. 7am. my eyes opened. little were they aware that they would not see sleep for another 42 hours. and counting. it's amazing how vividly you can watch your own body break down - i'm falling apart in the third person! it's comical, really. or at least it's reached that point. i got into my hotel at 9am this morning. hussed the bags down. and started cleaning myself, my belongings and my surroundings up. it is now 9.55am. the room is so spotless it seems sarcastic how clean it is.

i've been going non-stop for quite some time now. and every time i sit down for more than 5 minutes, my chest instantly gets extremely heavy and weak, and my fingers and hands begin to shake profusely. this is hysterical. this is weird. this is not me. atall. i speculate that i will most likely randomly pass out somewhere between right now and the plane-journey back to london. light sleeping doesn't count. i have 5 days and very little money on which to base this wager. i'm putting my money on 10 minutes from now. but we'll see where this takes me. in closing, i will avoid myself from dabling in some saucy self-reflection. in exchange, i hope you enjoyed the list i have composed. in furthermore..

this wide-eyed world cries a lot harder than professional sinners and cynics. i've been brought up on the fact that we'll never again have last night and we'll never again taste today's lunch. call me what you need to call me, i'm stuck in my own head and i'm laughing at you through my own eyelids. i miss you, kind self. i miss our talks. i miss your insolence and i miss your sincerity. i miss the ability to close my eyes and let you take over. to let you create. to let you conjur without the aided presence of my pathetic pre-judgement. maybe i need another (smaller) vacation. maybe i need a beer. maybe i need to go hit some golf balls. maybe i'll go egg oli's house when i'm back. how ironic. regardless. i need to rediscover what i came here for. i need to soak up my remaining days out of the box. the copacetic redundance is what makes me forget what i came here to do. the perfect repetitiveness of my busy days is what clouds my creativity like the devilish fog. i miss your songs, dear brain. and i miss you. if i had it my way, i'd paint you on the inside of my lids and sleep forever (this is not an eligible part of the wager).

colour-coded chaos.

though it is by no means fool-proof, there is a routine that can be fashioned through personal development in order to decipher your feelings for a person. i've found a kid-like method to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation. as basic rule of thumb, this method can be adapted to almost any circumstance, situation or person. we're almost talking pros and cons, baby. weigh it up, clear it up. green equals love. yellow equals infatuation. red equals lust. think of the person, think of the feel. write it down, count it up. you've got your answer. sweet.

can't complain about too much right now. i can say, however, that i really miss home. not in a homesick way, but in an "i'm feeling lost" way. oli makes fun of the way i must have been ranting on about home. he certainly makes fun of my feeling "homesickness" and the feelings that come with such a view. home is truly my anchor on reality. and the perfect reference point to what real life is. there was a time when my perspective of life and just how trivial it all really was would spearhead the way in my mental/spiritual/emotional pursuit of truth, understanding, wisdom, and happiness.

things are different now. i'm not angry, maybe a little side-tracked, but not angry. people grow. people change. it's natural to change - inevitable, really. but how you change is never too far from your grasp. especially this last month, going through some very private and unusual circumstances has brought me almost full circle in certain understandings and aspects of my life. in retrospect, i've seen myself with a taste of power, or achievement.. worth. and it's almost entirely changed my opinion on life. all of a sudden i'm not ready to die, it seems. haha. no that anyone should ever be. it's just words, eh? but what i mean is; i'm not finished, it seems. yeah.

there was a time when i was so content in knowing that life is just so very fleeting, so minute in the big picture that any time was a good time to go. never having been so content. and things are different now. i'm scared of achievements. i've seen so many people around me that have given so much of their lives to achieving something, seeming to sacrifice almost everything to get there, and at last, feeling so forfeit. i don't want that. i don't know what i want. i'm just a mixed-up kid. there's way too much pressure to not be complaining about.

~

there was a time when we would kiss so hard, i stood so proud and tall. i wanted to be everywhere your looking. i wanted to be everything your looking for. i wanted to remember the feeling of your skin. of your fingers.

i want to go camping. i want to go fishing. i want to cook a steak and a can of pork and beans over a fire. i want to burn marshmallows. i want to make condensation inside of a tent. i want to not brush my teeth and not wear underwear. i want to go tubing down the river and get waaay too drunk. i want to make the tent a little more condensed. i want to not comb my hair. i want hot dogs for lunch. i want a summertime. i want camping. i'm gonna go buy a tent tomorrow and i'm gonna start camping out on hostel front lawns. yessss. i'm feeling good. different. a little scared. but good. i'm almost 21 now, for god sakes. i'm pretty much almost an adult. pretty much. almost. i want to go camping.

what do you get if you mix red, yellow and green? is it like a burnt orange colour? because orange is my favourite. am i grasping?

~

colourblind carter.

18 days.

and i'm gunna soak them up like you wouldn't believe. so please don't shoot me down. hate is such a weak emotion. yet perhaps the most powerful - anger is such a motivating emotion. if there's one thing i've learned, it's to try not to let your hate motivate. and, for that matter, don't let your anger instigate (but let it insight change). that's the good weed. the right blood to bleed. i heard you were looking for me. you can't find this. you couldn't handle it if you found it. so don't find it. i found it. the right way. the better way. a brighter day.

enhanced navigation.

no more running. no more hiding. only standing and only siding; with myself and no one who can't handle what i'm made of. love it or hate it, you can't mistake me, and THAT doesn't make me wrong. no more impressing, no more up dressing, no more back breaking; stretching for stressing. no more back biters. no more close liars. no more mirror time i could use building fires. fuck what doesn't make me happy. and always choose being happy over fucking.

i'm only as crazy as you all make me, but that doesn't make me wrong,
love it or hate me, you can't mistake me, and THAT doesn't make me wrong.

i could never live life easy
i could never just slow down
and as long as i keep moving i'm falling
but it feels so good to get up off the ground
and if i'm the same when i'm older
i won't be just a face in the crowd

i'm only as crazy as you all make me
and that doesn't make me wrong
love it or hate me, you can't mistake me
and that doesn't make me wrong

i could never live like its over
when running in circles is allowed
cause it takes so much to keep me from falling
but i'd rather be a risk than on the ground
and if i'm the same when i'm older
i won't be just a face in the crowd
the sweet isn't the sweet without the sour

your lips, my biggest weakness - shouldn't have let you know!
i'm always gonna do what they say.

minority drinks.

i haven't repeatedly checked and over-analysed texts from my inbox in really quite some time. so teen, i am. so teen, i am! but it's a pretty damn fine feeling. it is my belief that you can't feel fully without moderation. and i've had tool hands for far too long. let's see where it goes, let's see how we be, son - i'm working my way through. if it burns, it's gonna be okay.

the heat is rising - we're all winners tonight.

all we need is ourselves!

i don't know why i can't describe what i feel when i'm positive. it's real. the only sense i seem to be certain of is my sudden lack of articulation. the way innocent and uninformed european children bounce a ball on a cobblestone driveway is the same way i explain my most convicting intentions. there's not a thing (but too much) to it.

it hasn't been cold at night in a really long time. i got used to the warmth of a singular.. it's alright, though. the mornings haven't been that bad now that i think of it - didn't know you could watch the sun rise with east facing windows. makes you forget which end is up sometimes.

i'll navigate just fine if i can see your light. you shine so bright.

tony mele
tom norris
ben mcrae
rob evans
oli darke
james dark
ieuan smith
tom wade
matt fiddy
lewis cater
jamie binns
jacob attwooll
joey cullen
sami/fuad musallam
joe williams
alex copeland
dan booker
rob taylor
sam bartl
matt ashcroft
adam miller
levlar
pinot
avers
juda
frankie
ladies along the way


sunshine
apple pie
orange juice
hugs
strawberries
sharing
caring
the new testament?
safety
whistling a tune
freedom
shaking hands
plans
muffins
swimming
jump rope
skipping
respect
takraw
kindness
first aid
hard candy
barbeques
sweet chilli
extra cream cheese
honesty
kisses
fishing
fresh cut grass
energy
snow
burgers
milkshakes
schedule
peace
home
family
creativity
friends
music
excitement
progress
the future

cause pimpin aint easy ~ no'm'sayin?

win big.

i wanna be a billionaire so fuckin' bad. heck, i'd handle a hundred grand with great grace. really fly it high. seriously, there is so much i'd do with that kind of pie and mash; as would nigh on everybody, i imagine. but it remains in the hands of some of the most crooked, evil, backwards people in the world. so i made a list, took note of the fact that chance would be a mighty fine thing, took note of the fact that this would remain entirely separate from the ongoing development that is my bucket list - and started dreaming.

a dream i've had since i was old enough to appreciate the beauty of fast shit is one that i would like to physically achieve. with or without the aid of a mass lotto victory. i want to get on over to the states with my dad. buy a 1968 mercury cyclone 428 cobra jet. do it up all golden (not the literal, the positive state). and drive all over america with him. he suggested he'd rather do it in a motor-home. which may symbolise his age a little too much for my liking, but i think i could come up with some form of compromise. maybe it'll have to be the south of france and a dash of italy. who knows! let's dream on.

we're down to our last 5 weeks.

and i'll let you all be the reason i can't get any closer to myself then where i stand and where i fall. it's all the same from half way up - so far from bottom and from top. but it's not enough. come friday, come winter, come weekends; i'm better - i'm faster. i'm higher. i'm stronger. i'm brighter. i'll sooner stop middle-manning all my friends and build my own crab-shack half way up and/or down the same mountain your old man said you should never venture. where t. i. p. be kicking at!

i'm sure you all fight the same apathy that disguises itself in a comfy orangey-red couch, whispering in your ear sweet little lies. about how not important that sunshine outside is - make sure you can still stand in 5 years, fuckers. and when ninjas start folding their own laundry, you know it's time to go for beers with the boys. just ask yourself what you would do without it? you will see it's not far off from shooting up behind a dumpster on a monday morning. but kick it like a G, not too hard - just enough to maintain a good high. like a functioning heroin addict. the phone plan junkie: the proverbial evenings and weekends. you on point, tip?

i already feel like deleting this whole paragraph of shit. i write as if i'm sat in front of a mirror just to stare in awe at how terribly awesome i am. it's the personal propaganda that, buying into, will only get me killed. or at least better looking.

chick chick... pow.

sound sex pensive.

reminds me of times laying with you on a hotel bed in the middle of nowhere. in a city too vast to believe. taking in the sounds. living on the vibes and for the times. the orange wall in the latest dorm is all it took to remind me.

i'm looking at you
and seeing all the beauty in the world
shining at me through your eyes
and i'm holding on
for my life

these are the words i could never say
and this distance is killing me day by day
i miss you more
i need you more

and i just wish my legs were half as strong as my heart
the miles are so endless
do i seem to miss this too much?
do you understand you're all i can think about?
now tell me, when the morning comes
will i be gone?

do you want to fall in love, tonight?
i swear you're so perfect
and it hurts to know you're so far
do you believe me when i say that i've loved you all along?
since the moment i first saw you
i knew you were the one

so what are we now but fish in an endless sea?
just promise me this - you'll swim to me.
move to cambridge, england
i swear i mean it
i swear i'll stay by your side
but don't you cry
i'll be there soon

and i just wish my legs were half as strong as my heart
the miles are so endless
do i seem to miss this too much?
do you understand you're all i can think about?
now tell me, when the morning comes
will i be gone?

do you want to fall in love, tonight?
i swear you're so perfect
and it hurts to know you're so far
do you believe me when i say that i've loved you all along?
since the moment i first saw you
i knew you were the one

the one.

all day, i need to see you again
before i go crazy
you had my heart
at hello

odds and sorts.

this blog wouldn't function proper without the most standard of introductions;

current location: on the john. beaches backpackers hostel, airlee beach.
current mood: thankful, peaceful, ..happy?
currently listening to: never let you go - justin bieber (take my hand, let's just dance, watch my feet, follow me, don't be scared, girl i'm here, if you didn't know, this.is.love)

this really is a miss-match of an entry. putting a few things together and hoping for the best. a little like steve mcclaren. that dutch accent is something.

so i've just realised that i really have been lucky to meet so many awesome people throughout my travels. they each have a certain immeasurable impact on who i am becoming and what i am doing. and i like it. but so far, my most favourite experience of this form came last night. we had been invited out for drinks with people and crew from our two-day whitsunday adventure cruise thing on powerplay. free booze, free food. awesome. i was drink talking with the skipper of our boat, 52-year old paul. we spoke for at least 45 minutes before he introduced me to the daughter of a multiple boat owner. the daughter of a multiple boat owner who happened to own the boat that paul skips and we had just spent two days on. but that's beside the point. he introduced me to her as "a truly lovely fellow". and that actually meant a whole lot to me. so this post is for skipper paul..



on a totally separate and sadly pessimistic note.

some people just have a face that says punch me. and if that weren't enough, the person's body language reads like an insolent commercial advertisement for the kind of product you get mad just thinking about. what the fuck is this world really coming to when we have to set aside a fantastic 24-hours as a reminder for people to do something nice to someone else? it's just about as if the other 364 days are spent so completely preoccupied with ourselves and what we need and want that it comes down to this contrived excuse for sincere affection.

some days i feel like saving the whole wide world. fixing everything. making life good. granted, i spend most of my time asleep. often dreaming. other days, i feel like designing some type of suit that will withstand some type of bomb that, when i emerge from the suit in a post-nuclear fashion, will leave me no longer surrounded by complete fucking sludge heads that live for almost no other reason than to drive me absolutely and completely mad. and, and, and, my friends - when that idea feels creepishly close to becoming a reality, i just pour myself some more tea and do nothing at all. too me, far too me.

i've been thinking more about what's going on. i don't think i'd ever be happy waking up and doing the same thing over and over. i don't think i'm happy even writing that sentence. how can anyone be comfortable slating "absolutes" over themselves like they're the sheriff of they're own pathetic cardboard town of a life? i guess i just feel that way because i am so entirely without the propensity to stick by anything. i then, out of sheer and complete jealousy for anyone capable of such a feat, can only spew rhetorical hatred that carries about as much weight as the combined poundage of all my finger and toenail clippings. and they're pretty fresh.

i'm into swimming more than i used to be. and biking. and yoga (if i ever had been into that). though i need to get bigger lungs. a willing trade to be made. will swap for some of my currently impressive tan. i miss doing that stuff back home. i will re-route when i'm home.

i miss many things made accessible to me via a very neat and tidy monday to sunday schedule to which i could almost be so bold as to render the title "normality". if not, at least "consistency". a back-up i find so much room for. so often. but right now, i'd give much of what i have away in exchange for consistency. as i am almost positive that it's absence in my life just may very well be the root of most of what i consider to be the cross(es) that i bear. whoever said it first sure had it right. YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF. cheers mama.

i still kinda feel in a stupor of some sorts. i'm also completely confident in my desire to want to express just how tired i am of people admiring "how well i'm doing" right now - i'm really not - it has nothing to do with anybody's measure of gratitude or humility. it has more to do with the soulless fucks who shit out of their mouths and are the absolute farthest thing from genuine affection and human contact. i'm sure a lot of it (well, all of it, actually) stems from my resentment that every person i come in contact with is NOT one of my friends. (excluding present company). every person i meet and interact with is not somebody i have a relationship with.

and, in fact, in turn, all of that is a result of how much of a detachment issue i have with home and my family and my friends. who mean so much to me. so much so, that the very thought of not having them around, let alone replacing them (temporarily of course) with shit eating, smoke blowing, faceless fucks that have nothing better to do than waste my time with their senseless observations as to never once thinking that, "hey, i wonder when the last time somebody asked this guy 'how he's FEELING' as opposed to 'what he's been up to lately'".

__________________________________________________________________________________


confidence. friendliness.

__________________________________________________________________________________

i'm not drinking enough water.
i'm not shaving until england are knocked out of the world cup/emile heskey scores. i'm not really sure the beard is doing wonders.

i do finally appreciate the fact that i'm not working.
i do worry far too much about money.
i do get homesick when i panic.



progress of odds & sorts!

oli's air-drumming really annoys me.

you play guitar. air-drum when i'm not right next to you (all the time).

so?

is everything the way you want? is anything really that close to home? is all we have this pale of grey? is anything at all ''for sure''? for certain, forsaken, forgotten?

foreclosure on a head and heart who’s lease hasn’t yet expired; that’s communism. socialism. a freedom prison... ever wonder if it was possible to free yourself into a nightmare? make sense of it. how free do you have to be? how liberal, how autonomous must you feel before you start asking yourself “where the fuck did I leave my morals and standards”? just because you can get away with it doesn’t mean you have the right to. we’re (well certainly i'm) starting to forget that what goes up must come down. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. (and in a lot of cases, a bloody rude awakening, to boot). only killers call killing “progress”.

i'm halfway through great expectations and already regret the past ten years that i have chosen to live without acknowledging the work of Charles Dickens. i am the great joe gargery. it's embarrassing.

wet ’em up before we jump. don’t let it get too hot down where it counts. keep your feet on the ground and your dick in your pants. keep your hands to yourself and allow an 8”-surrounding gap when you dance. no one said NOT fucking like rabbits and overpopulating this already bloated boil we call earth full of half-witted ingrates choc-full of sumo-TV goodness would be fun. but it doesn’t have to happen out in the open. have you ever entered a new city at night time? shining bright in all its glory. the large, glowing, industrious spearhead. the tipping point. and as you get closer your mind begins to wander and you take a stab at figuring just what type of repulsive evil transpires behind closed doors and shut blinds and dark corners and back rooms and basements.

read into it, throw-up at the thought. get a new shirt out your bag - you had thai food for dinner so a khaki curry yellow stain now takes the place of pure white nothingness. you smile as you look down at the sublime embodiment of what made you so flash-flood sick to begin with. don’t worry about that which starts out big. it’s harmless and quite possibly even a bit retarded. but be wary of small beginnings. nothing tastes that bad in small sips. baby steps. carter's baby steps.

on the mark of vomitting and thoughts of things far from england and home, do you know how much butter is in a donut? but diluted just enough and you’ve got your self-zitty goodness. so go eat 24 Honey Crullers and then marvel in the apathy surrounding girls, younger and younger, dressing like saigon whores. HEY DAD! This summer it’s short shorts!

really into gavin degraw. such a talent.

safe, sunny and starting to skip the shyness,

ben.

a favourable night.

what a terrible waste,
and oh god, it's a shame -
as she dries her eyes
and tucks a note
inside her coat.

and what a sweet thing
but god damn, what a wreck -
as she tries to hide emotions out
in the dear, sweet form
of a crash.

well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.
well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.

so she makes her way from a panic
to a calming pace,
just in time to catch her breath
and she says -

'smoke has never tasted this good'
as it spills from her mouth,
only to be
inhaled again from her chest.

well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.
well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.

so present yourself.

slowly, slowly.
she's slowing down her breathing.
slowly, slowly.
she's slowing down her breathing.

so honey, speak up.
'cause all i hear is gasping breathing.
so honey, speak up.
'cause all i hear is gasping breathing.
so honey, speak up.
'cause all i hear is gasping breathing.

well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.
well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.

so honey, speak up.

jason derulo tickets.

i'm walking in slow-mo now. a lot more than before. even sitting in a busy room, everything is starting to sound like noise coming from another room. no Hi and Mid kicks, just low and muffled tones - ambient impersonations of voices taking place in serious conversation. the bubbling in my stomach has stopped being a weird thing and began to take it's place as stationary in my neat and tidy corner office of fear and absolute terror.

the farthest away is starting to seem so very unimportant. one foot in front of the other is the mantra of a 21st century billboard-style transmission i have come to know as motivation and not the doomsayer's opening prayers. the sunshine is still a major factor in keeping things positive. the rain has become a comfort, reminiscent of keeping as warm as you can with someone important. and i miss that. trying to keep as warm as you can all alone in your darkest hour, just as if there was no other way. i havent clipped my nails in a couple days. too long. and i couldn't find my nail clippers in my bag so i need to buy new ones.

making right by people that you care about just might be one of the most liberating feelings accessible to the human heart and soul. not only do you feel stronger for growing the balls to say what you feel and admit your discrepancies, you feel credible and able to act as a pillar in someone else's life once more. you can run so much farther and faster when your pockets aren't filled to the brim with garbage.

this may have been a misfire,

carts.

if this.

come on down
and see the lights tonight
things are good babe
i swear
swear that everything's just fine
but you leave
you leave alone
tonight

come on love
you can't be serious
that you love me so much
that you just need to take some time
time alone
to live some life
life in the lime

i am only flesh and bone
and i cannot love if i love alone

if this was the moon
gravity's gone
i'd hope to dance alone
if this was the moon
and my arm's were strong
i'd hope to dance alone

make up your mind
'cause in the mean time
i won't be waiting
i won't be waiting
on that line
to hit scene
how desperate would that seem

if this was the moon
gravity's gone
i'd hope to dance alone
if this was the moon
and my arm's were strong
i'd hope to dance alone

alexandra.

tonight, i thought about someone i had managed to avoid thinking of for quite some time.
all bars will find a way to your weakness. i didn't expect the jukebox to find mine..

if i thought for long enough, i'd remember every detail.
i'd remember the first time i saw you - how i met you.
i'd remember how nervous you made me.
i'd remember how scared i was of everything you did.
i'd remember your notes.
i'd remember the friendship.
i'd remember the innocence.
i'd remember your secrets.
i'd remember the fun.
i'd remember your drawings.
i'd remember the way we told each other.
i'd remember our first embrace.
i'd remember our dance.
i'd remember our first kiss.
i'd remember opening up.
i'd remember our guards falling down.
i'd remember falling for you.
i'd remember feeling.
i'd remember you crying.
i'd remember holding you.
i'd remember forgetting everyone else.
i'd remember letting you go.
i'd remember you coming back into my life.
i'd remember you leaving.
i'd remember you coming back, again.
i'd remember the craziness.
i'd remember town.
i'd remember being lost.
i'd remember writing.
i'd remember leaving.
i'd remember hoping for 'third time lucky'.
i'd remember the hurt.
i'd remember you finding another.
i'd remember an old note;

"i love the way you smile.
i love the way you laugh.
i love the way you feel.
i love the way you sleep.
i love the way you hold.
i love the way you dream.
i love the way you smell.
i love the way you speak.
i love the way you believe.
i love the way you are.
i love the way you think.
i love the way you shine".

i hate what you do to me.
i hate the way you have me.

tried to paint a picture, of love
didn't think i'd miss her, that much
i want to fill this new frame
but it's empty.
i tried to write a letter, in ink
it's been getting better, i think
i've got a piece of paper
but it's empty.
maybe we're trying, trying too hard
maybe we're torn apart
maybe the timing is beating our hearts
we're empty.

here's to the genuine hope that you're happy!

let her know.

home is an awful long road
to find a place to hide
but if you find her, in asylum's where you hide
let her know she ain't alone

'cause love is the only thing she knows -
he stumbled upon the best.
and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
let her know she ain't alone

and all she needs is love -
a hand to lift her up.
and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
just let her know she ain't alone

and all she needs is trust -
some arms to hold her up.
and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
let her know she ain't alone

and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
let her know she ain't alone

and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside, no -
let her know, no -
let her know, she ain't alone.

request # 1

got an hour and nineteen minutes until we go on a backpacker's pub crawl. into the town area of surfer's paradise. i'm excited. feels like i haven't met or even made brief exchange with anybody new in almost a week. normally, this wouldn't bother me.

6.42am back home, 3.42pm here. still need to get used to this. i'm so tired all the time.

so quite a few of my friends and even some of my family have asked me to stop writing about who i am and what i'm thinking. but rather, where i am and what i'm doing. makes sense to me. sorry for being weird and having a pop at the creative. *insert first smiley face in carter's blogging history* this smiley is both apologetic and simple. simpletic, if you like. so take it with you. everywhere.

:)

as it goes, i've got a bunch of handwritten accounts in my satchel. my satchel. a satchel. yeah, i got a satchel instead of a backpack. satchel. so i'm gonna try and type them up on here while i have some time to kill/internet access. if the latter isn't about, i'll type them on notepad and just C & P their black arses. most of the dates and locations will actually be fairly accurate. some of it's still a little too thoughtful by my standards, but it's what i got down at the time, so i'll be true to you. enjoy!

also, if anyone's reading, i am really starting to get excited about the world cup. but in a strange way, kinda upset that i won't be back home for it. goes both ways, i guess. so please do this for me - http://www.facebook.com/ThinkCabanga - it's awesome.

anyway.

april 30th 2010 - bangkok, thailand 9.00pm

we were at a muay thai event in this awesome stadium just outside all the red-shirt trouble streets surrounded by the bamboo and tyre walls. the taxi driver opens our windows as we drive past, the sounds of stamping and chanting were far from inviting. and despite the peaceful motive of which the protest was built behind, i was horrified. got my camera out. done. drive.

he forgot to put the windows back up. felt the need to remind him.

we got there a good hour early and therefore had time to work our way through the 'wheelbarrow' bar menu. the beers are good, aside the singha beer (nightmare beer, avoid it), this had been a nice experience for us both. we were then given our tickets. i noticed they were VIP. this night was going to hot up, whether we liked it or not.

they seem to have isolated us whites from the locals. i didn't know why, but i would soon realise it was because they get massively rowdy and also appeared to be making sly bets with one another. the fighters came out and it all seemed very respectable. the fighters danced to some cultural delight and they then disrobed and got at it. awesome? the first punch was thrown. and, for me, everything changed. i started to take in the surroundings - the sights, the sounds. each subtlety seemed to tone down my enjoyment of the situation. and like some sort of paint-removing rain cloud was hanging above, the colours of the occasion turned to greys.

if i was in the other corner - armed with only the closest possible male relatives; swimming through a stream of motivation. rising to the bate of provocation and aggressive encouragement. would i act the same knowing that my opponent was fueled with the very same forms of desire, passion, and ache?

i'm glad i'm an eastern western. this whole thing seemed staged and money-hungry. they claim that this is the most artful and respectful form of combat. i don't know.

like most anything, the beers and banter made it a good night. small shame we were sat in a box full of loud americans baiting the young fighters. big shame that we seemed to encounter them everywhere in this region of the world. the girls redeem. though they're probably canadian.

may 4th 2010 - koh samui, thailand 6.45pm.

we decided to go for a walk along the beach just before it got dark. i have no idea why we did this. i think oli wanted some food and i was up for a walk along the coast. either way, this marked the first time we 'fell out'. yeps. it was bound to happen, anyways, and there was kind of a waiting feel about it. writing this a month later, i'm very aware that worse has happened.

so oli got some food and i had too many pepsis. it got dark, we got lost. we got annoyed. walking along that beach, all burnt, covered in sweat and sand with no idea where we were was highly irritating, exhausting and painful. it didn't have to happen, i think that's what annoyed me most. that, coupled with the fact that the speed he was walking at seemed nothing half of determined. plus the fact that i annoy easily. plus-plus the fact that i was burnt all over and had cut-up feet lead to our first fall out. i was pretty mean.

we got back, wrote a rap and forgot about it. here it is;

my man od's gunna hit you with the words
cause when it comes to singin'
i don't gots no verse

but when the beat slows down
and the bass turns up
carters gonna kick it wit ya
til this joint is long-past shut

all killer, no filler, no fuckin' around
watch out ladies, od's in town.

gorgeous girls, in koh samui (they call it koh samui)
rocking my world, in koh samui (seriously, they D)

more of these will come, and the rap will surely develop, but i'm gonna go now because i've blogged a lot today. a load, in fact. and there's a bird that kind of looks like a dangerous seagull with a longer, sharper, darker beak walking around by my bare feet. and, if swans can kill...

laters.

a homage to times spent.

apologies if there are errors, i am, after all, just a fan boy.

------------------------------------

the temperature's low when i'm with them
they make me cold
they're not my friends

the damage is done
it's all i know
but we could leave, yeah we could go

i play my guitar when there's nothing else to do
one night in the fog has left me wanting to
go

take me back to LA
we'll drive around the whole day
with stars colliding aboe our door
we'll explore the bright lights
and avoid all the night fights
we'll sit around and wait for more

doing 50 with the windows down
admire the sights in the sunrise
all you wanted was to watch tv
and then we'll go
after your show

i book my flights when there's nothing left to do
back to the place where i first met you

take me back to LA
we'll drive around the whole day
with stars colliding aboe our door
we'll explore the bright lights
and avoid all the night fights
we'll sit around and wait for more

we'll be sleeping with the lights on, lights on
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, uh oh
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, lights on
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, uh oh
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, lights on
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, uh oh
we'll be sleeping with the

take me back to LA.

------------------------------------

i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way

relax

we bon voyage onto the interstella airways
the artois of existence and i've only drunk one glass
if you love me why don't you come and hug me?
i'm scared of talking to you
like people scared of alligators spiders alligators spiders alligators
even if it's just goodbye, i just wanna talk to you

i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way
yeah i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
I CAN'T RESIST HER

i am the master of the conversation killer
i'm not your boyfriend but sure i do wanna get in your pants
it's looking tasty so let's pick up the pace, please
even if it's just one night, i just wanna talk to you

i don't care what love is, oh baby
just come give us a kiss
oh i do,
i don't care what love is, oh baby
just come give us a kiss
oh i do,
i don't care what love is, oh baby
just come give us a kiss
oh i do,

monopoly.

i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way
i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way

we bon voyage onto the interstella airways, so just come give us a kiss.

------------------------------------

I was lost,
inside you.
Force a smile, for a while,
can’t get through.
You were here,
in my arms,
glance at me, fail to see,
all alarms.
I had tried,
to hold on,
all this pain, can’t replace,
and now you’re gone.

but there's inspiration in this sadness.
motivation, how i wish i had this.
the truth is carried, by heavy breathing.
lost of opinion, controlled by meaning.

How did I let you get to me?
With all this time, I failed to see.
That you’d torn down my walls,
and you’d silenced all my falls.
Yet now I still question, why,
why you left me here, I cry.
I wonder how I was ever wrong,
as I face reality, knowing you’re gone.

Darkness swathes my brown eyes:
The vigorous force that rests in the black skies.
Darkness swathes my brown eyes:
The vigorous force expires at sunrise.

------------------------------------

two-thousand five, baby.

i book my flights when there's nothing else to do.

i care way too much about what you think. whoever you are.





but it doesn't matter right now - i've found a good groove for the time being. hands are off the guns. guard is down. peace isn't quite found. though i'm closer than i've ever been, there is still a lot of work to be done.

back at it..

shared.

double-anal.

the stopping and thinking, the space between blinking, the time we take leisure and measure and rhyming and pleasure. the more i stop to think, the less i think i can stop. the act of stopping. the hesitation of going. bearing a fine line between green and red, go and shouldn't. bright green sunglasses, bright green english classes.

i bet misspelling english is just too fuckin' stupid.

i'm not afraid to keep going - being alone is terrifying and i won't let that stop me. i can't. the fact that it scares me is the same principal i base on the fact that i cannot stop. i have to learn. i have to fear. i have to grow. the show must go.

when i can finally write down what i think to the tune of only myself as the audience then i know i will be saying what i mean. this transparency can do nobody any justice. this menagerie is of absolutely no benefit to anyone. perpetuating the psychological predisposition that has been my greatest weakness since my moment of independent cognition - will do me no good.

i need to shave. just a little.. i do not like shirts with tight collars. it feels too confining. i do not like shirts with loose-neck anymore. i feel too exposed. i'm changing. a lot. and its good. and its bad. and its painful. and its dangerous. and its new. and its exciting. and its terrifying. and its liberating. and its life altering. and i will come out the other end with both legs and arms and still breathing. still running. still laughing. still lovin'. still living. still swinging.



listen to bob marley.

three bites, one finger.

things are moving at a different pace lately. less frantic. the walls aren't caving in. over the past few weeks i've experienced something i'd never before. moments of an afternoon are made to seem as though they were carefully edited clips comprising the trailer to a half-decent movie. complete with perfectly timed theme music. yeah, there's still tough times and heavy hits. but i'm certainly diggin' the calm and crazy kicks that have so far come with what people would label 'self-discovery'.

~ do you ever have those moments where what you're doing makes complete sense because of the song that's playing? or what you're doing all of a sudden becomes one of the most important moments in your life, timed perfectly to the right sound?

bad things happen in good movies.

good movies can also end poorly. so not to say there isn't shit on some sidewalk somewhere. not to say you don't need to keep your battle stations manned. keep your edge, however you can. keep it sharp and keep it close.

enough about you. what about me? where do i find MY peace?

try reading more than one book. (books ABOUT that one book, DO NOT COUNT as other books.) i don't need to dwell on whether there is a hell. i'm sure i've got plenty more positive things to think about. but peace. peace is always hard to find. no matter how grand your imagination is.

where can anybody really find it these days? shit is fucked. people are trying to find something safe in their lives to turn to and are presented with pockets full of pills and plasma screens. anyways - i found some peace. here and there. what good is moderation if you don't have anything great to tempt you?

i can't believe how much work there is to do. always. it often keeps me up at night. i sleep great though. it took a while. but i can sleep again! everything that happens in your life becomes who you are. you can't be happy with who you are until you can accept everything you've been through for what it is - your complexion.

fuck yeah, we did it. with all of our hearts.

but you can't help but live like you're never going to die. somehow the middle makes itself clear. lucidity isn't always a cure. and sedation is almost never the right medication. but somewhere in the middle, somewhere i don't really care to pinnpoint at this point, there is a healthy balance.

one foot in front of the others. temp.

Evens itself out.

so, after a fortnight, this is the first time i've got air of the feeling of wanting to go home. i'll explain why -

1. i got sun burnt without spending all that much time in the sun and now my right shoulder is annoyingly patchy.

2. i broke my toe playing takraw. left sided. it sucks. great game, but it sucks.

3. i ripped a load of skin from the top of my right foot. hurts putting shoes on, hurts walking (much like the broken toe on opposing foot), hurts letting air get to it, hurts when i wash.

4. i got a chlorine burn in the worst possible place. no more fun for carter.

5. i packed too much shit and my backpack is ridiculously heavy in comparison to any other backpack i've come by. this goes hand in hand with a burnt shoulder.

6. oli's ipod is broke.




evens itself out. fucking joke.

Dark.

We don't, we don't
Need another way to fall in love
And flood our veins with someone new
Before we're empty of the last one
With intuition through tunnel vision
We'll make the same mistakes we made
On the last one, on the last one

Bright lights in a city that seems
Too big to ever believe
Soul searching is a dangerous road
Where thrill seekers get dead to get living
So desperate and deliberate
We crush the scene with fingertips
An appetite for nights with hazy incidents

Cigarettes and a shadowy dance
When earthquake girls give you the chance
We are the kids who love to love
The third act stories of guts and glory

We don't, we don't
Need another way to fall in love
And flood our veins with someone new
Before we're empty of the last one
With intuition through tunnel vision
We'll make the same mistakes we made
On the last one, on the last one

Tonight's the night when we will
Fall asleep and wake up from the
Black party dress that we call one night stands
And with these hands, we'll wash the sheets
To wash away and wipe a clean slate
Of lipstick grins and midnight gin
To choke away our lost boy mistakes

We don't, we don't
Need another way to fall in love
And flood our veins with someone new
Before we're empty of the last one
With intuition through tunnel vision
We'll make the same mistakes we made
On the last one, on the last one

Bright lights in a city that seems
Too big to ever believe
On the last one

the water here stinks.

*KEYS AND ACOUSTIC*

1]
i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i don't know if it's even fair to try.
but this burning,
is turning,
internal.
i'm burning inside,
i'm on fire!

2]
if i told you how much this all hurts me (it burns me).
if i told you just how sorry i am.
if i painted you paintings,
all blues and greys,
would it change a thing?
maybe i'll sing?

*DRUMS*

sub]
all these fallen leaves
surrounding me
but the breeze don't feel right.
falling fast asleep
yeah, i can dream
but my dreams don't feel right.

*PAUSE*

int]
i turn on the light.

*ALL*

chor]
i'm done with the lies,
i'm done with the trying to hide things (and),
i-i-i'm done with the drinking,
i'm thinking;
it's normal to know myself,
for myself.
but that's not me.

3]
i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i'd at least have to try.
so i pull,
the wool
over your eyes.
and the wool in your eyes
makes you cry.

4]
but that taught me,
that's not me
to be that way.
and that's why i changed -
let me show you that i've changed.

brkdwn]
and i've been workin' day and night on iimprovements.
renovating all my ways to brand new.
and if you don't decide today,
don't worry.
i'll stay til you do.
til you do-do-do-do.

sub]
all these fallen leaves
surrounding me
but the breeze don't feel right.
falling fast asleep
yeah, i can dream
but my dreams don't feel right.

int]
i turn on the light.
and
i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i'd at least have to try.
have to try.

chor]
i'm done with the lies,
i'm done with the trying to hide things (and),
i-i-i'm done with the drinking,
i'm thinking;
it's normal to know myself,
for myself.
but that's not me.

int]
so i'll do this for me,
and i'll do this to be
a better man.
so you'll
see me,
clearly.

i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i'd at least have to try.

the proposed workout plan.

the proposed workout plan.




drink as much water as possible - if it makes you more awake, alert (aware), and wonderful then i'm all in.

leg raisers - 3 sets of 30.

push-ups - 3 sets of 20.

sit-ups - 4 sets of 20.

run whenever and wherever possible.

minimalise mcdonalds, coke and booze consumption.

sleep with people instead of masturbating.

don't do push-ups outside a gym that ollie is in if you haven't paid for the privilege - they don't like it.

be absolutely competetive with anything atall physical. annoyingly competetive.

try to enjoy it.

numbers.

officially, i have fallen in love five times in little over seven days. around this area of the world, the number six is unlucky. fatal. also, the number six is mentioned far too much in this blog. so it is decided that i'm going to live like a monk for the next few weeks. a monk with a special invisibility cloak and high self esteem/B.O.B's album.

at least my range is good - one from liverpool. one from brisbane. a local bar worker (koh samui). a brummy. and our maid (koh samui). yeah, quality. shorty is a eenie meenie minee mo lover.

we're going out for our last night in samui later with two friends we made at the half moon party. gonna go to a kickboxing gym beforehand. on it. i think this might be the first and only time anyone has ever been physically intimdated by me. i've got a good reach and lengthy legs. dragonfly vs. the toad. on it.

so the objective of this blog is that ultimately, i'm one away from big trouble. let's get together and feel alright (avoid me like the plague).


yours,
'cambridge'. x

6 Days.

six days.



mum, aunt and nan packing my stuff - how eastern of me; how typical of my family.
singing sisqo with dad in the car. his fiercly accurate harmonies. heathrow. crying mother. strong father. security. the guy who propped me for staring at this mad-fly chicas with a similar air of approval. called OD. met OD. first beer - couldn't finish it. taken down a peg. thought about the previous night's "boat race". plane. guy in front only serves as an annoyance but looks like me so i can't address my anger because OD's response will be "that's because he looks like you". would have said something to the woman behind me, too - if she were male. knee in my back, coughed on my neck, had that weird croaky-deep french accent that may prove to have been german. took off. slept. woke. watched the invention of lying. watched will ferrell as george "dubyah" bush. watched sherlock holmes for actually the 5th time. realised how precise this list is. stopped it. there. promise. done. landed.

easy visa. got bags. shampoo exploded in OD's bag and went all over his clothes. OD is from now on known as "sham", carter as "satch" - i have a stupid bag. got ripped off by a taxi driver. almost got ripped off by a tuk tuk driver. got a shit room in bangkok. saw the red shirt protest bamboo and tire walls. saw some temples. saw a baby with a crow in a cage. saw our first ladyboy. ate some greasy shit. watched some muay-tai fighting. got propositioned more times than i can remember. found a mcdonalds. stayed in a floating house on the river kwai for 2 days. saw the bridge. saw a guy punching a leopard. hated it. met "the colonel" (an australian 67 year old divorcee who looked like a high authority of the KFC company.. or like your most typical white land owner). visited the POW war museum and memorial. saw too many headstones with carters from cambridge and birmingham on them. found the most "hills have eyes" village in thailand. you're cute, but i don't wanna pet you. went on death railway. walked through hellfire pass. crossed danger bridge. twice. saw a sign by land for sale with the name "HUTCH". thought about friends :) starsky got love for you.

12 hour night bus and connecting boat to koh samui. started writing a screenplay. started drawing. crazy lonely. pissed sham off for the first time. watched half an episode from the pirated family guy collection. captain of the boat tried to buy my
shoes for 400 baht. got sleeping patterns together. worked out. satch got annoyed with sham for the first time. got on the internet. missed my family. got drunk. smashed glass. cocaine. spiked drink. first night in koh samui = just fine*. had a weird bonding moment in the bathroom with sham. found out my shit don't stink.
went to the "happy bar". watched a steven segal movie. got sick of steven segal movies. watched an episode of tales from the crypt, i think. either way it equals awful. thought of my brother. messed with "a vegetated" sham. "you're doing my fucking block/case/nut/head/nog/job/edward in. worked chilled on the beach. i like you. sham got funny, wished i could remember to type or make note of every good or at least half good quote. got better at travelling. did stuff on my own. had to. stopped calling OD "sham". hoped my negativity didn't brush off on him. mini bar. drunk. broke. got some sun. met a monk. just so happens i also met a monkey. got charged for meeting the monkey. did some more stuff on my own. fetched OD a soda or something! checked the title. day is nearly up.

"my balls are purple, my poo is black.. i'm getting out the bath now so we can go to the beach. if my drink wasn't spiked last night, i don't know what was.. i tell you who i wouldn't mess with - steven segal. okay i'm out now. oh, i'm glad i look good" - OD. a direct quote.

* = reference to a blog in progress.


i absolutely should not be getting ripped for liking justin bieber by a guy who listens to metallica daily.

"The Beach".

beautiful music forever inspired by ugly girls.




- writing.
- thinking.
- running.
- learning.
- living.
- drinking.
- loving.
- wondering.




will transfer as much of my paper scraps to here as soon as I get the opportunity. water fight, barrel roll!

Le Inflict.

we'll be cleaning up, as long as we're moving this fast..

this doesn't have to adhere to any set of standards we do not deem worth abiding. structure, solace, safety, a fourth "s" word that's creative, original and wields a good measure of emotional connectivity. not necessarily (still have to spellcheck that word) you. but people.

if it only took one low-down dirty moment in time to teach a boy how walk like a man; this is the revival of an anonymity long-since expired. who knew you could make a lot less noise if you just kept your fly zipped-up?

now don't start getting all "omfg" up in this bitch. and don't act like you hold the solution (personal reference) - the recipe for a more impermeable resolve. it's inconceivable. the math, the odds, the elements. our boy was combustible at the best of times.

whoops.



leaving tomorrow,

cartlar.

Six More Days.

'til I leave for proper!

Ahhhhh... I usually avoid any type of confrontation
Conversation, in moderation
Lips sealed, but my fingers are flying
As the hours pass they grow more impatient
My phone is mad lettered, especially when I'm sauced up
And I admit that I'm ashamed
But there's Melissa, Tabitha, and Emily
What a toss-up!
But thats the best part of the game.

And I'm really a novice aspirin' alcoholic
Drownin the days pain in house barley and grain
Thinkin' of ways to convince one to join me
in the company
of low life sort, doin' the same.

(So) I start textin'
(Ah) I keep textin'
(Hey) I can't stop,
it's my obsession
(Yep) It's like fishin
and my words are like lures -
if they bite the bait (cool)
if not, call it a night.

We can't.
More like we shouldn't
I know.
And I try
To be a good boy, but its hard.

I start textin'
I keep textin'
I can't stop,
it's my obsession.

Now ask yourself this: Is love a tender thing?
Too rough? Too rude? Too boisterous?
Well, I'll tell you what, man -
I had her once, and
It was fun but not enough.
It's torture, and not mercy.

Heaven is where my phone lives
In my pocket, so cozy; oh what a joy replies give.
It seems Melissa's babysittin
And Theresa's workin late,
But Emily's on her way to East Eleventh on a train
And thats when I remember Pattie from West Philly,
She says I'm in your area, 3 minutes away.

So I stop textin'
No more textin'
hey! yeah right,
it's my obsession.

We can't.
More like we shouldn't
I know.
And I try
To be a good boy, but its hard.

I know you think I'm wreckless, and move so fast (slow down).
I think I love so I told her by the Inter-sex-message (uh-huh).
She wrote back, "Me Too..", I was just sittin' here thinkin' bout you.
I know I want her but I can't and I shouldn't.
Tried to put my phone down, damn! But I couldn't.
Stayed on the phone with her all night long.
Text Message when I'm gone.

We can't.
More like we shouldn't
I know.
And I try
To be a good boy, but its hard.

Rumours.

girl, you've got the strangest way of saying 'no' - basically, you don't.

I was supposed to wake up in Chiang Mai..

you can't beat the weather in England today. it's hot, got a nice book, got some sun; but i gots no moneys for a cold one because it's all tied up in travel cards that i should be using right now somewhere overseas. somewhere overseas, with a chance of tigers, water fights, and plenty of people who know nothing of me or what i'm about. carter cuts inside on this early corner.. or does he?

i was, today, supposed to wake up in Chiang Mai, having taken a lengthy overnight bus from having spent the day in Bangkok. i woke up on a couch in my friend's bedroom in Melbourn. we didn't have a very good night, but the day served as a welcome remedy to calm me down from the previous day's bringings. cheers for that, tom.

i know and hope i'll look back on these past two days as something to throw smiles at - i've been depressed, angry, bitter. but i've also had time to spend with family and friends. i spent time that i could quite easily have wasted. small plus. plus-plus, i have 3 extra day's worth of wages coming my way, as the bakery will have me in up until i fly away *touch wood*. my now rearranged flight departs at 10pm on wednesday. only 6 days late. i have four days and one night to dispute the fact that i am a massively unorganised person. i haven't had to unpack because, four hours prior to the initial flight, i hadn't packed. please let time and good energy benefit me for once. i took it well.

we're making the best of an unpleasant situation. 'we' being myself and OD - my travel troop. he took the news much better than i ever could have hoped to take it. we're having a bbq tonight in the pleasant burnout of a warm english afternoon. suspiciously warm..

i don't want to be here anymore.



Spoken mind,
words wasting time,
Should've known
it takes a fall
to find
that Satellites
radiate
a need to levitate
and float away.

Satellites in line tonight,
they see it all,
we're taking off
and Caroline
sent Racing Time
she'll make the call
and we'll take it all.

And you light up The Stage!
We're taking off!
We'll take it all!
As we fire into space!
Far Far Away!

Stand up for the Spirit of the Game,
don't die with excuses in your veins.
and just in time, we're dodging spies
they're comin' in,
but we're taking off!

And You light up The Stage.
we're taking off.
we'll take it all.
As we fire into space.
Far Far Away.

I watch
We watch
Eye watch
We watch
A million moons away,
Stars were put in place,
and we are those stars.
Those Stars.
those stars?
Those Stars.

And You light up The Stage!
we're taking off!
we'll take it all!
As we fire into space!
Far Far Away!

We're shooting up on the way down
We're walking in on the way out
The Universe is our playground
And you're the ones we see now.
We're taking off, we'll take it all.



trying to make the best of who i am rather than where,

benj.

These Arms Of Mine

one of my most favourite songs. forms part of the soundtrack to one of my most favourite movies. brings back favourably vivid memories of the only time i've ever managed to bring even the most subtle form of romantacism to the table. is also a bon jovi lyric, which has to be a favourite in anyone's eyes.



i started this blog because, in two days, i'm off around the right side of the world. i hope i can cover the left side when i'm bigger and better, but you never know. i've got a scrapbook journal in my backpack, but sometimes it's cool to show people stuff..


not your willy.