though it is by no means fool-proof, there is a routine that can be fashioned through personal development in order to decipher your feelings for a person. i've found a kid-like method to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation. as basic rule of thumb, this method can be adapted to almost any circumstance, situation or person. we're almost talking pros and cons, baby. weigh it up, clear it up. green equals love. yellow equals infatuation. red equals lust. think of the person, think of the feel. write it down, count it up. you've got your answer. sweet.
can't complain about too much right now. i can say, however, that i really miss home. not in a homesick way, but in an "i'm feeling lost" way. oli makes fun of the way i must have been ranting on about home. he certainly makes fun of my feeling "homesickness" and the feelings that come with such a view. home is truly my anchor on reality. and the perfect reference point to what real life is. there was a time when my perspective of life and just how trivial it all really was would spearhead the way in my mental/spiritual/emotional pursuit of truth, understanding, wisdom, and happiness.
things are different now. i'm not angry, maybe a little side-tracked, but not angry. people grow. people change. it's natural to change - inevitable, really. but how you change is never too far from your grasp. especially this last month, going through some very private and unusual circumstances has brought me almost full circle in certain understandings and aspects of my life. in retrospect, i've seen myself with a taste of power, or achievement.. worth. and it's almost entirely changed my opinion on life. all of a sudden i'm not ready to die, it seems. haha. no that anyone should ever be. it's just words, eh? but what i mean is; i'm not finished, it seems. yeah.
there was a time when i was so content in knowing that life is just so very fleeting, so minute in the big picture that any time was a good time to go. never having been so content. and things are different now. i'm scared of achievements. i've seen so many people around me that have given so much of their lives to achieving something, seeming to sacrifice almost everything to get there, and at last, feeling so forfeit. i don't want that. i don't know what i want. i'm just a mixed-up kid. there's way too much pressure to not be complaining about.
~
there was a time when we would kiss so hard, i stood so proud and tall. i wanted to be everywhere your looking. i wanted to be everything your looking for. i wanted to remember the feeling of your skin. of your fingers.
i want to go camping. i want to go fishing. i want to cook a steak and a can of pork and beans over a fire. i want to burn marshmallows. i want to make condensation inside of a tent. i want to not brush my teeth and not wear underwear. i want to go tubing down the river and get waaay too drunk. i want to make the tent a little more condensed. i want to not comb my hair. i want hot dogs for lunch. i want a summertime. i want camping. i'm gonna go buy a tent tomorrow and i'm gonna start camping out on hostel front lawns. yessss. i'm feeling good. different. a little scared. but good. i'm almost 21 now, for god sakes. i'm pretty much almost an adult. pretty much. almost. i want to go camping.
what do you get if you mix red, yellow and green? is it like a burnt orange colour? because orange is my favourite. am i grasping?
~
colourblind carter.
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