behaved.

girl, you know. it's, it's, it's, it's Serani!

i have cold feet. not the literary kind, just the actually, cold, kind. i've been unstoppably feverish as of late. hit me some.

*insert the past week or so's antics*

i dunno - maybe i'm old fashioned. but that stuff means so fucking much to me. i think maybe because it's so rarely real. or, at least, maybe because it's yet so easy.

i've had the opportunity to span a small chunk of the globe and witness how much of it is really just pure shit. cardboard towns and plastic people. i know there is good in the world. and the amount of good people there are in this world would probably stagger me. but it's home and the feeling of fluency that i'm really getting into right now. that's my focus. and i am focused. being a better me, a better friend, a better son.. being better behaved (yes, i am all over that one, right now, too).

i guess i'm only exposed to certain constituencies around here. i guess it also means i know where my heart is. and i think it's a stronger root than i once thought. but let's not get too carried away.

lord knows i cannot wait to stand up in front of the mob and show them what the fuck they've been missing all their lives. don't get me wrong. i've never been more passionate about anything in my life. music. it consumes me. and i've got the balancing act pretty close to down. you can't work your balls off monday to friday if saturday and sunday aren't having it. and don't you forget it.

but right now? i am currently sat at my desk, having leftover dominos for breakfast. working up the energy to click "PLAY" on inception, and making a compilation for a good friend - a "dancey-drive" compilation, to be precise. but you know your boy carty gonna pop a couple spanners in the works (and also SO go' sneak a couple of his own in there)!

GET YOUR ERNIE HALTER OUT AND ON.

anyways, though they've come and gone, it's been amazing to have seen so many friendly faces recently. them warm vibes we all felt serve as a timely reminder that summer is almost here and most definitely on it's way.. there. this blog could (and probably should) have been but a few silly sentences.

just realised i haven't been wearing shoes for a pretty long while. that's probably it.

drank too much tea, gotta pee. i'm me!

pop it, brother! (the 48-hour hangover)

7 hours agoSent from a phoneBenjamin Carter
i don't understand. i am a huge, big, massive, deep-sleeper (and am known coast-wide for it), yet i'm persistently the first person to wake up after the party. and i gotta tell ya, hungover contemplation when you're alone by yourself is officially something to avoid. messy bessy: a dangerous and dirty cocktail to cut-the-fuck away from that "fave metaphorical 'tails" scrapbook of mine/yours. sure of it; a bad decision in a glass.

in the past six or so weeks i have carelessly, ridiculously, fantastically(?), hopelessly and totally thrown any "even remotely" interesting relationships i collected with the female population directly to the spring-warm wind.
CTRL.ALT.END.SIMILAR.WORD.SEARCH.PLEASE.MATE
and there was actually a fair amount of them, yeah. which is odd. you'd expect me to maybe fuck up one or two, but several? i dunno, guy...

a couple were friends of the past, there were a few complete strangers, actually. and another was a friend-of-a-friend. which is the worst, isn't it?

i'm yet to realise if this was a stroke of genius from the carts or just another slip-up down the now stupidly slidey slope of formality that is of common knowledge to the post-teenage version of benjamin. (the carts is my alter-ego, he's not doing so well at the moment: currently quietly eclipsed by me, benjamin. which i'm pretty happy about although also fully aware that it will only be for a short while).

my mouth gets me in trouble. yes. my mind gets me in trouble. yes. my eyes get me in trouble. yes. my words get me in trouble. yes. but i can't work out where i get it from? there's not a mean-streak in my family. anyone that knows me well enough will have witnessed that, first hand. vouch vouch vouch. and i haven't gone through any terribly traumatic experiences or relationships thus far that would wish or warrant a saying otherwise. sure, they've been messy or silly, but there's absolutely no justification in them waters. i also have the greatest of great friends that tell it straight when i'm out of line. so i dunno.

the blame can only therefore lie with myself (awaits demographic applause)! i'm sorry if i upset you, or if i ruined things, or if i shut you out. and now you know that.

i'm done with the one-nighters, the too-muchers, the too-sooners, the too-nicers, the too-dullers, the too-tooers, the way-strongers, the too-crazyers, the too-directers, the too-what-the-fuckers, the way-olders, the too-i-got-a-boyfrienders, the too-littlers, the too-laters, the too-far awayers, the too-guideders, the too-neediers, the too-depresseders, the too-complexers, the too-just-never-gonna-happeners, the too... samey. ers. i really am.

it's not like i'm outright looking for this person who has somehow slipped through the filters of the above, but i'm ready for her? if that makes sense, even in the slightest, to anyone, go me!

it's not the biggest secret - i'm an ass hole, a liar, arrogant, selfish, rude, volatile, irrational, at times unkind, overrated, stupid, and absolutely reckless individual. but vulnerability is something of a canvas, is it not? and, as you may have noticed, i've been with a fair share of girls that are at least a bit-part similar. so i'm not the only one.

wish for the hour, that the night time soon shall pass.

----------------------------------------------

fool, you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean

caress her skin like it's glass
she hears your voice making plans
and sees your face in her hands

you don't wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall

how do you say that something's through
when it never even started
at least not for you!?

you breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf

after the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet

it wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
i just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near

i wasn't prepared i wasn't thinking of you
that you could actually love me
and would gradually love me
it never should have started

she's dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn't know what to believe

it must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don't think about me anymore

but it was the kiss, that took her away
it's like I knew that she was fragile
i handled her like glass

and it hurts but it's what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the lovers that I've handled

and knowing this
i know that she'll get hers
but I don't want the girl to suffer
oh, not the way I am

because deep down I know
that I'm glass too
but it really doesn't matter
until it's happening to you
everybody breaks
everybody breaks sometimes

-------------------------------------------

remember what you're worth
remember you're worth fighting for
remember you're not a punching bag
remember you're not a doormat
remember you are valuable
remember you are repairable
remember you are tangible
remember you matter
remember they don't

-------------------------------------------

the aim for the next couple months is essentially to stock up, shut myself in, switch off, sort it out, and start screenwriting again. that way, i'll be back out fresh-as-a-mo-fuh'ing-daisy by summer. having not hurt anybody.

benj

~

i'm again left waiting to find focus and drive in the life i live. i am again waiting to say "there's nowhere else i'd rather be". and i'm again left to wait for that someone to be there with.

she's a crazy!

"she's a crazy" by scenes and sirens - summer is on it's way, people! (it's on their myspace page, check it out)!

say you make a decision in your life; and you're not sure if it's the right one. your almost immediate reaction is to wonder "what would other people think?". your close friends (in some cases, family) and their opinions being among some of your highest values (during the ages of 8-26ish?). try to wait at the front of your self-evaluation queue, yourself. it's what i'm working on these days!

now, your close friends aren't always going to agree with the decisions you make. that doesn't make them bad friends. in fact, often times, it means quite the opposite. anybody who cares enough to disagree with you, cares enough. that's what makes them such good friends.

there will be people in your life who will not agree with you to a point in which it is impossible to sustain a healthy relationship on such disagreeable terms. this is part of life and is painfully natural - and not without an obvious variance in the measure of severity from individual to individual... yeah!

(nobody could possibly fuck up as 'uniquely' as i have) - parting ways is natural. so is fallout. these are the fruits of our ill-advised labors. you're only evil if you can keep it up. you're only human if you can't help but feel ashamed. you're only virtuous if you're willing to do what it takes to save yourself. you're only strong if you can pick yourself back up. you're only real if you can feel. you're only you.

there are people in my life i can't live without. a sense of stability as strong as oak, my friends. people i would not trade the world for. and though that number is limited, it is also limitless. because if you have the world and nobody to enjoy it with, you don't have anything at all. trust is everything. even if you don't know it yet. i'm not even sure i do.

everybody realizes this at some point in their life. trust is an integral part of the architecture of any relationship. you can't be selfish and trustworthy at the same time. just a heads up - it takes a certain type of person to be a certain type of somebody.

suppose it's ultimately appropriate to say that i love my friends. a lot. some will stay, some will go. some will overthink. classicly. some will miss you, some will not. some will just have a great fucking time while we can :)

do NOT know where this came from, i've been listening to a lot of Francis & The Lights. i think they may be influencing me and my thoughts. enjoy things! i want to get "SMILE MORE" tattooed under each of my eye-lids! sunshine!

sleepless? i need to sleep more.

like the heart of a lion, that's been shot through the chest.

the power to forget is a pretty useful and awesome tool. you used to give me that.

you know i've been some pretty horrible places, you know i've seen a lot of people with hate in their eyes. but, as with everything, there are two sides. you know i've been some pretty beautiful places, and you know i've seen a lot of love in people's lives.

i stumbled on a new way to best-define everything that is and everything that now was. it's a lot like the way of the lion. for the most part, invincible. he rides through life with un-recognisable impact and intent. until, by a force yet to be justified, he is shot down by a hunter, keen for his skin, and keen for him. for the appearance, for the feel, and promise of what it may bring. all she needed was one shot, and she stole him away. but since she now sees that, up-close and after time, the skin is riddled with mange. the hunter decides to leave the lion alone. alone, to die. but, as is the case in almost any aspect of life, the vultures remain.

and these vultures, they're a fucking force, mate. they're numbers. they're nothing to the lion. but, at the same time, he needs them to finish what the hunter started. i mean, it's not like he NEEDS needs them. or anyone, now. really. either way, they keep going, and changing, and coming back, and digging away, and picking, and calling, and wanting more, and needing more, and taking more, without necessarily asking for more.

poetic just-this.

this year will be the year of the song, soul, and piano, for me. not got too much choice on the matter.

i must remember to be more kind. like, consistently more kind. i managed to achieve that a while back, i now need to maintain it.

how the turntables..

i guess that's where they've got us. we can't afford to give a shit anymore. the middle class is dead. and in it's place - a growing gap between the filthy rich and the desperately poor. somehow we've all been misdirected. someone told us we'd be happy if we had that new dress; or driving that new car, or that that cellphone is all you'll really ever need...

somewhere along the lines our pursuit for happiness became a scramble for a flatscreen. so fantastically misguided. so brutally assemble line. all the while completely missing the fucking point and being left with a big gaping hole where your true sense of fulfillment should be. put a price on that, save your pennies.

my best friend is moving to london. that is shit-awful. sidenote over.

i wanna get out this country. i'll have to reform for at least another half-year until the america savings are together, though. but at least i get it. at least i make you feel something.

"I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors".

She loved to fly, She ran away
From something at home, she would not say
She needed new friends, no doors would open
She had no place to stay

Then came a bird, Who knew the town
Who barely ever left the ground
They saw each other, they saw forever
They both knew it right away, oh!

Two love birds, two love signs
You got me going out of my mind
I love you for a lifetime
You got me going out of my mind

Two love birds, two love signs
You got me going out of my mind
I love you for a lifetime
You got me going out of my mind

They had it good, not lots of stuff
Not lots of money, just lots of love
She started working, he learned to cook
Somehow they made their way


~ 2011. off with a bang. chishhhhh :)