all we need is ourselves!

i don't know why i can't describe what i feel when i'm positive. it's real. the only sense i seem to be certain of is my sudden lack of articulation. the way innocent and uninformed european children bounce a ball on a cobblestone driveway is the same way i explain my most convicting intentions. there's not a thing (but too much) to it.

it hasn't been cold at night in a really long time. i got used to the warmth of a singular.. it's alright, though. the mornings haven't been that bad now that i think of it - didn't know you could watch the sun rise with east facing windows. makes you forget which end is up sometimes.

i'll navigate just fine if i can see your light. you shine so bright.

tony mele
tom norris
ben mcrae
rob evans
oli darke
james dark
ieuan smith
tom wade
matt fiddy
lewis cater
jamie binns
jacob attwooll
joey cullen
sami/fuad musallam
joe williams
alex copeland
dan booker
rob taylor
sam bartl
matt ashcroft
adam miller
levlar
pinot
avers
juda
frankie
ladies along the way


sunshine
apple pie
orange juice
hugs
strawberries
sharing
caring
the new testament?
safety
whistling a tune
freedom
shaking hands
plans
muffins
swimming
jump rope
skipping
respect
takraw
kindness
first aid
hard candy
barbeques
sweet chilli
extra cream cheese
honesty
kisses
fishing
fresh cut grass
energy
snow
burgers
milkshakes
schedule
peace
home
family
creativity
friends
music
excitement
progress
the future

cause pimpin aint easy ~ no'm'sayin?

win big.

i wanna be a billionaire so fuckin' bad. heck, i'd handle a hundred grand with great grace. really fly it high. seriously, there is so much i'd do with that kind of pie and mash; as would nigh on everybody, i imagine. but it remains in the hands of some of the most crooked, evil, backwards people in the world. so i made a list, took note of the fact that chance would be a mighty fine thing, took note of the fact that this would remain entirely separate from the ongoing development that is my bucket list - and started dreaming.

a dream i've had since i was old enough to appreciate the beauty of fast shit is one that i would like to physically achieve. with or without the aid of a mass lotto victory. i want to get on over to the states with my dad. buy a 1968 mercury cyclone 428 cobra jet. do it up all golden (not the literal, the positive state). and drive all over america with him. he suggested he'd rather do it in a motor-home. which may symbolise his age a little too much for my liking, but i think i could come up with some form of compromise. maybe it'll have to be the south of france and a dash of italy. who knows! let's dream on.

we're down to our last 5 weeks.

and i'll let you all be the reason i can't get any closer to myself then where i stand and where i fall. it's all the same from half way up - so far from bottom and from top. but it's not enough. come friday, come winter, come weekends; i'm better - i'm faster. i'm higher. i'm stronger. i'm brighter. i'll sooner stop middle-manning all my friends and build my own crab-shack half way up and/or down the same mountain your old man said you should never venture. where t. i. p. be kicking at!

i'm sure you all fight the same apathy that disguises itself in a comfy orangey-red couch, whispering in your ear sweet little lies. about how not important that sunshine outside is - make sure you can still stand in 5 years, fuckers. and when ninjas start folding their own laundry, you know it's time to go for beers with the boys. just ask yourself what you would do without it? you will see it's not far off from shooting up behind a dumpster on a monday morning. but kick it like a G, not too hard - just enough to maintain a good high. like a functioning heroin addict. the phone plan junkie: the proverbial evenings and weekends. you on point, tip?

i already feel like deleting this whole paragraph of shit. i write as if i'm sat in front of a mirror just to stare in awe at how terribly awesome i am. it's the personal propaganda that, buying into, will only get me killed. or at least better looking.

chick chick... pow.

sound sex pensive.

reminds me of times laying with you on a hotel bed in the middle of nowhere. in a city too vast to believe. taking in the sounds. living on the vibes and for the times. the orange wall in the latest dorm is all it took to remind me.

i'm looking at you
and seeing all the beauty in the world
shining at me through your eyes
and i'm holding on
for my life

these are the words i could never say
and this distance is killing me day by day
i miss you more
i need you more

and i just wish my legs were half as strong as my heart
the miles are so endless
do i seem to miss this too much?
do you understand you're all i can think about?
now tell me, when the morning comes
will i be gone?

do you want to fall in love, tonight?
i swear you're so perfect
and it hurts to know you're so far
do you believe me when i say that i've loved you all along?
since the moment i first saw you
i knew you were the one

so what are we now but fish in an endless sea?
just promise me this - you'll swim to me.
move to cambridge, england
i swear i mean it
i swear i'll stay by your side
but don't you cry
i'll be there soon

and i just wish my legs were half as strong as my heart
the miles are so endless
do i seem to miss this too much?
do you understand you're all i can think about?
now tell me, when the morning comes
will i be gone?

do you want to fall in love, tonight?
i swear you're so perfect
and it hurts to know you're so far
do you believe me when i say that i've loved you all along?
since the moment i first saw you
i knew you were the one

the one.

all day, i need to see you again
before i go crazy
you had my heart
at hello

odds and sorts.

this blog wouldn't function proper without the most standard of introductions;

current location: on the john. beaches backpackers hostel, airlee beach.
current mood: thankful, peaceful, ..happy?
currently listening to: never let you go - justin bieber (take my hand, let's just dance, watch my feet, follow me, don't be scared, girl i'm here, if you didn't know, this.is.love)

this really is a miss-match of an entry. putting a few things together and hoping for the best. a little like steve mcclaren. that dutch accent is something.

so i've just realised that i really have been lucky to meet so many awesome people throughout my travels. they each have a certain immeasurable impact on who i am becoming and what i am doing. and i like it. but so far, my most favourite experience of this form came last night. we had been invited out for drinks with people and crew from our two-day whitsunday adventure cruise thing on powerplay. free booze, free food. awesome. i was drink talking with the skipper of our boat, 52-year old paul. we spoke for at least 45 minutes before he introduced me to the daughter of a multiple boat owner. the daughter of a multiple boat owner who happened to own the boat that paul skips and we had just spent two days on. but that's beside the point. he introduced me to her as "a truly lovely fellow". and that actually meant a whole lot to me. so this post is for skipper paul..



on a totally separate and sadly pessimistic note.

some people just have a face that says punch me. and if that weren't enough, the person's body language reads like an insolent commercial advertisement for the kind of product you get mad just thinking about. what the fuck is this world really coming to when we have to set aside a fantastic 24-hours as a reminder for people to do something nice to someone else? it's just about as if the other 364 days are spent so completely preoccupied with ourselves and what we need and want that it comes down to this contrived excuse for sincere affection.

some days i feel like saving the whole wide world. fixing everything. making life good. granted, i spend most of my time asleep. often dreaming. other days, i feel like designing some type of suit that will withstand some type of bomb that, when i emerge from the suit in a post-nuclear fashion, will leave me no longer surrounded by complete fucking sludge heads that live for almost no other reason than to drive me absolutely and completely mad. and, and, and, my friends - when that idea feels creepishly close to becoming a reality, i just pour myself some more tea and do nothing at all. too me, far too me.

i've been thinking more about what's going on. i don't think i'd ever be happy waking up and doing the same thing over and over. i don't think i'm happy even writing that sentence. how can anyone be comfortable slating "absolutes" over themselves like they're the sheriff of they're own pathetic cardboard town of a life? i guess i just feel that way because i am so entirely without the propensity to stick by anything. i then, out of sheer and complete jealousy for anyone capable of such a feat, can only spew rhetorical hatred that carries about as much weight as the combined poundage of all my finger and toenail clippings. and they're pretty fresh.

i'm into swimming more than i used to be. and biking. and yoga (if i ever had been into that). though i need to get bigger lungs. a willing trade to be made. will swap for some of my currently impressive tan. i miss doing that stuff back home. i will re-route when i'm home.

i miss many things made accessible to me via a very neat and tidy monday to sunday schedule to which i could almost be so bold as to render the title "normality". if not, at least "consistency". a back-up i find so much room for. so often. but right now, i'd give much of what i have away in exchange for consistency. as i am almost positive that it's absence in my life just may very well be the root of most of what i consider to be the cross(es) that i bear. whoever said it first sure had it right. YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF. cheers mama.

i still kinda feel in a stupor of some sorts. i'm also completely confident in my desire to want to express just how tired i am of people admiring "how well i'm doing" right now - i'm really not - it has nothing to do with anybody's measure of gratitude or humility. it has more to do with the soulless fucks who shit out of their mouths and are the absolute farthest thing from genuine affection and human contact. i'm sure a lot of it (well, all of it, actually) stems from my resentment that every person i come in contact with is NOT one of my friends. (excluding present company). every person i meet and interact with is not somebody i have a relationship with.

and, in fact, in turn, all of that is a result of how much of a detachment issue i have with home and my family and my friends. who mean so much to me. so much so, that the very thought of not having them around, let alone replacing them (temporarily of course) with shit eating, smoke blowing, faceless fucks that have nothing better to do than waste my time with their senseless observations as to never once thinking that, "hey, i wonder when the last time somebody asked this guy 'how he's FEELING' as opposed to 'what he's been up to lately'".

__________________________________________________________________________________


confidence. friendliness.

__________________________________________________________________________________

i'm not drinking enough water.
i'm not shaving until england are knocked out of the world cup/emile heskey scores. i'm not really sure the beard is doing wonders.

i do finally appreciate the fact that i'm not working.
i do worry far too much about money.
i do get homesick when i panic.



progress of odds & sorts!

oli's air-drumming really annoys me.

you play guitar. air-drum when i'm not right next to you (all the time).

so?

is everything the way you want? is anything really that close to home? is all we have this pale of grey? is anything at all ''for sure''? for certain, forsaken, forgotten?

foreclosure on a head and heart who’s lease hasn’t yet expired; that’s communism. socialism. a freedom prison... ever wonder if it was possible to free yourself into a nightmare? make sense of it. how free do you have to be? how liberal, how autonomous must you feel before you start asking yourself “where the fuck did I leave my morals and standards”? just because you can get away with it doesn’t mean you have the right to. we’re (well certainly i'm) starting to forget that what goes up must come down. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. (and in a lot of cases, a bloody rude awakening, to boot). only killers call killing “progress”.

i'm halfway through great expectations and already regret the past ten years that i have chosen to live without acknowledging the work of Charles Dickens. i am the great joe gargery. it's embarrassing.

wet ’em up before we jump. don’t let it get too hot down where it counts. keep your feet on the ground and your dick in your pants. keep your hands to yourself and allow an 8”-surrounding gap when you dance. no one said NOT fucking like rabbits and overpopulating this already bloated boil we call earth full of half-witted ingrates choc-full of sumo-TV goodness would be fun. but it doesn’t have to happen out in the open. have you ever entered a new city at night time? shining bright in all its glory. the large, glowing, industrious spearhead. the tipping point. and as you get closer your mind begins to wander and you take a stab at figuring just what type of repulsive evil transpires behind closed doors and shut blinds and dark corners and back rooms and basements.

read into it, throw-up at the thought. get a new shirt out your bag - you had thai food for dinner so a khaki curry yellow stain now takes the place of pure white nothingness. you smile as you look down at the sublime embodiment of what made you so flash-flood sick to begin with. don’t worry about that which starts out big. it’s harmless and quite possibly even a bit retarded. but be wary of small beginnings. nothing tastes that bad in small sips. baby steps. carter's baby steps.

on the mark of vomitting and thoughts of things far from england and home, do you know how much butter is in a donut? but diluted just enough and you’ve got your self-zitty goodness. so go eat 24 Honey Crullers and then marvel in the apathy surrounding girls, younger and younger, dressing like saigon whores. HEY DAD! This summer it’s short shorts!

really into gavin degraw. such a talent.

safe, sunny and starting to skip the shyness,

ben.

a favourable night.

what a terrible waste,
and oh god, it's a shame -
as she dries her eyes
and tucks a note
inside her coat.

and what a sweet thing
but god damn, what a wreck -
as she tries to hide emotions out
in the dear, sweet form
of a crash.

well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.
well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.

so she makes her way from a panic
to a calming pace,
just in time to catch her breath
and she says -

'smoke has never tasted this good'
as it spills from her mouth,
only to be
inhaled again from her chest.

well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.
well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.

so present yourself.

slowly, slowly.
she's slowing down her breathing.
slowly, slowly.
she's slowing down her breathing.

so honey, speak up.
'cause all i hear is gasping breathing.
so honey, speak up.
'cause all i hear is gasping breathing.
so honey, speak up.
'cause all i hear is gasping breathing.

well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.
well let's cover-up all appropriate scars
with make-up, although they suit her well -
it's just not a proper way to present herself.

so honey, speak up.

jason derulo tickets.

i'm walking in slow-mo now. a lot more than before. even sitting in a busy room, everything is starting to sound like noise coming from another room. no Hi and Mid kicks, just low and muffled tones - ambient impersonations of voices taking place in serious conversation. the bubbling in my stomach has stopped being a weird thing and began to take it's place as stationary in my neat and tidy corner office of fear and absolute terror.

the farthest away is starting to seem so very unimportant. one foot in front of the other is the mantra of a 21st century billboard-style transmission i have come to know as motivation and not the doomsayer's opening prayers. the sunshine is still a major factor in keeping things positive. the rain has become a comfort, reminiscent of keeping as warm as you can with someone important. and i miss that. trying to keep as warm as you can all alone in your darkest hour, just as if there was no other way. i havent clipped my nails in a couple days. too long. and i couldn't find my nail clippers in my bag so i need to buy new ones.

making right by people that you care about just might be one of the most liberating feelings accessible to the human heart and soul. not only do you feel stronger for growing the balls to say what you feel and admit your discrepancies, you feel credible and able to act as a pillar in someone else's life once more. you can run so much farther and faster when your pockets aren't filled to the brim with garbage.

this may have been a misfire,

carts.

if this.

come on down
and see the lights tonight
things are good babe
i swear
swear that everything's just fine
but you leave
you leave alone
tonight

come on love
you can't be serious
that you love me so much
that you just need to take some time
time alone
to live some life
life in the lime

i am only flesh and bone
and i cannot love if i love alone

if this was the moon
gravity's gone
i'd hope to dance alone
if this was the moon
and my arm's were strong
i'd hope to dance alone

make up your mind
'cause in the mean time
i won't be waiting
i won't be waiting
on that line
to hit scene
how desperate would that seem

if this was the moon
gravity's gone
i'd hope to dance alone
if this was the moon
and my arm's were strong
i'd hope to dance alone

alexandra.

tonight, i thought about someone i had managed to avoid thinking of for quite some time.
all bars will find a way to your weakness. i didn't expect the jukebox to find mine..

if i thought for long enough, i'd remember every detail.
i'd remember the first time i saw you - how i met you.
i'd remember how nervous you made me.
i'd remember how scared i was of everything you did.
i'd remember your notes.
i'd remember the friendship.
i'd remember the innocence.
i'd remember your secrets.
i'd remember the fun.
i'd remember your drawings.
i'd remember the way we told each other.
i'd remember our first embrace.
i'd remember our dance.
i'd remember our first kiss.
i'd remember opening up.
i'd remember our guards falling down.
i'd remember falling for you.
i'd remember feeling.
i'd remember you crying.
i'd remember holding you.
i'd remember forgetting everyone else.
i'd remember letting you go.
i'd remember you coming back into my life.
i'd remember you leaving.
i'd remember you coming back, again.
i'd remember the craziness.
i'd remember town.
i'd remember being lost.
i'd remember writing.
i'd remember leaving.
i'd remember hoping for 'third time lucky'.
i'd remember the hurt.
i'd remember you finding another.
i'd remember an old note;

"i love the way you smile.
i love the way you laugh.
i love the way you feel.
i love the way you sleep.
i love the way you hold.
i love the way you dream.
i love the way you smell.
i love the way you speak.
i love the way you believe.
i love the way you are.
i love the way you think.
i love the way you shine".

i hate what you do to me.
i hate the way you have me.

tried to paint a picture, of love
didn't think i'd miss her, that much
i want to fill this new frame
but it's empty.
i tried to write a letter, in ink
it's been getting better, i think
i've got a piece of paper
but it's empty.
maybe we're trying, trying too hard
maybe we're torn apart
maybe the timing is beating our hearts
we're empty.

here's to the genuine hope that you're happy!

let her know.

home is an awful long road
to find a place to hide
but if you find her, in asylum's where you hide
let her know she ain't alone

'cause love is the only thing she knows -
he stumbled upon the best.
and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
let her know she ain't alone

and all she needs is love -
a hand to lift her up.
and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
just let her know she ain't alone

and all she needs is trust -
some arms to hold her up.
and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
let her know she ain't alone

and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside
let her know she ain't alone

and if she cries
there's no better, deep inside, no -
let her know, no -
let her know, she ain't alone.