third day running, finally thinking.

i'm thinking finally, i've found a love that's true.
i'm suddenly smart, suddenly kind, i'm suddenly you.

i'm thinking finally, i'll need a love that's new.
suddenly coy, suddenly yours, suddenly new, suddenly you.

i'm thinking i could be anything she wants me to be.
i've gotta stay cool, gotta stay yours, i gotta stay me.

and i told my heart,
"why can't you take it easy on me just this one time.
well, i know you. you'll fall too easy.
well i want her mine. don't be so clumsy.
i know you're falling tonight,
but this time, she's right for me".

i'm thinking maybe my heart knows me more than i thought.
it saw her smile, it heard her voice, it wants what she's got.

so i told my heart,
"don't you dare take it easy on me, not this one time.
'cause i know you'll fall too easy, cause you want her mine.
go be, be clumsy. cause we're falling tonight.
'cause this time she's right for me"

ohhhhh!

don't you dare take it easy on me, not this one time.
'cause i know you'll fall too easy, cause you want her mine.
go be, be clumsy. cause we're falling tonight.
'cause this time she's right for me.

please stay (once you go away).

the best album ever?



probably. it's either that or rumours.

loud eaters are not keepers.

as are most people, in general: loud eaters, thinkers, drinkers, sleepers.. but fuck, this guy is annoying! leave. leave now, please. sucking your fingers like it's KFC or some shit. it's NOT! i mean, who sharpens a knife to eat corn on the fucking cob; fuckin' who!? and it's bare foot in here, guy - get rid of them leather slips. they're loud, they're ugly, they'd rip into my skin. they suck.

so, by request;

5. love bird
4. common brown bear
3. clown fish
2. pink flamingo
1. the mallard

~

in lieu of someone (more drizzle, sorry).

it's hard to hide from yourself when you feel as if you've already disappeared. i used to make a lot of noise in bands around my hometown and my home country. i miss doing that. i miss the buzz, i miss the boys, i miss the energy, i miss the noise, i miss touring, i miss the creative aspects of the group that you can't quite maintain alone. i'm going to get back up there. i will get this together. honestly, i will. at this moment, however, i'm somewhere in the middle of tokyo, japan. in an anonymous hotel room. surrounded by anonymous heat. with a nameless depression. and i hate it. i don't need this fear. i don't need this down. i miss my friends. i hate pictures of them. it makes me want to swim my ass back home. but i can't; i can only play sad music and keep the lights off. these are feelings that have been present from day one. i should have stopped thinking of home by now?

i'd like to sit beside an ocean. unaffected by the cold but so taken by the breeze that there would be no need for music, even. faces lit by stars and moon, hair fighting the breeze shading the eyes - images like these have kept and currently keep me from shutting down. this is probably just one of those days. and i guess i need to stop reminding myself of her. maybe. i dunno. i'm just glad i have this place. my sanctuary. i hate long words. i love short words. i love eyes. and hair. and smiles. and lips. and tears. and breaths. and lashes. and noses. and rain. and roses. and freedom. and the night. and the day.

there was this girl. and we were off, and we were on. we were right and we were wrong. we were lost and we were found. we were always together and now we're never around.

bring her out of me. i found an old note;

"make it naked. let me know. these thoughts, these sounds make everything else fail. nothing stands when we stare. when we touch. your skin is so perfect, so secret. i have to taste you. i need it. eyes like an angel. spell me out with your eyes. you do. you can. you will. i am so a slave to your eyes and your name. occupy me and my mind. make me scream so silently. your lips make me sweat. so soft, so perfect. so familiar. worlds crumble when you all but blink your eyes. so strong, so bright. so hopeful. i need to breathe your air. to feel your breath. and to need your feel. you make me want kneel when i talk, constantly. so bare. so naked. so simple. have me. as much or as little as you feel. hair so golden, so perfect - the way it falls in front of your eyes, casting shadows, the way your eyes sparkle like secrets. like little children hiding behind white fences, one eye, out, bare, staring, waiting. you love my words. i would give you the english language, over and again, if you would let me. if you would lend me your time, lend me your eyes. so perfect.

i was looking at you. i always will. you are my angel. love me. this is as desperate and deep as you'll see me. for you. for anyone".

what was i thinking? my pee smells like grape soda. i want to go home,

ben hen pen len glenn then wrenn ken men friend. x

~

OH, AND NOW HE'S BUTTERING TOAST LOUDER THAN LAYING CEMENT. CUNT.

the back.

we're back together,
fixed what was broken,
made it better,
we're putting down our guns,
i've become you,
and we've become us,
walking on table-tops,
we're staring at the sun,
staring at the sun.

~

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sake_bomb

~

music
mam
dad
brother
friends
beer and, for that matter, booze
girls
waterslides
hot dogs w/ cheese and ketchup (mustard, an optional treat)
new jeans
a good face and beard wash
my laptop
heat
sweat
my ipod
my camera
the earth quake/alarm clock
hash browns
eggs
bacon
english sausages
australian beer
camping
camp fires
fires in general
fires in specific
fireworks
a good book
organization
ocd
converse (not them shoe types, although i'm re-discovering them)
birds
baxter (also poetry, and brandy)
overly green grass
climbing trees
bob marley
club sandwiches
piano music
football
art
art i can't afford
construction
coffee
confidence
waterslides
bad hair
ensue
my unibrow
marianas trench
marvin gaye
gavin degraw
japanese vendors
opinion
fact
acoustic guitars
drinking to someone else's continued success
jagermeister
jagermeister guitars
wireless everything
my family (definitely not the show)
a good handful of baby powder
a good handful of boob
flamingos
phil collins
expression
arcades
loud noise
conmen
competition
blue
orange
orange juice
pirates (thanks james)
candles
cherry blossoms
lillis
lotus flowers
koi carp
snowboarding
natural light
dental hygiene
my dog
fiji
ankle support
skinless, broken toe
a nice mustache
anything by the police
starbucks
tradition versus time
art versus science
football versus rugby
american office versus british office
golf
beating the hell out of my drum sets
milkshakes
handshakes
shoes off
cleaning my car
hot chocolate (the band and the beverage)
not tube socks
putting on weight
style
safety
family
love
home

~

i think it was wednesday morning. 7am. my eyes opened. little were they aware that they would not see sleep for another 42 hours. and counting. it's amazing how vividly you can watch your own body break down - i'm falling apart in the third person! it's comical, really. or at least it's reached that point. i got into my hotel at 9am this morning. hussed the bags down. and started cleaning myself, my belongings and my surroundings up. it is now 9.55am. the room is so spotless it seems sarcastic how clean it is.

i've been going non-stop for quite some time now. and every time i sit down for more than 5 minutes, my chest instantly gets extremely heavy and weak, and my fingers and hands begin to shake profusely. this is hysterical. this is weird. this is not me. atall. i speculate that i will most likely randomly pass out somewhere between right now and the plane-journey back to london. light sleeping doesn't count. i have 5 days and very little money on which to base this wager. i'm putting my money on 10 minutes from now. but we'll see where this takes me. in closing, i will avoid myself from dabling in some saucy self-reflection. in exchange, i hope you enjoyed the list i have composed. in furthermore..

this wide-eyed world cries a lot harder than professional sinners and cynics. i've been brought up on the fact that we'll never again have last night and we'll never again taste today's lunch. call me what you need to call me, i'm stuck in my own head and i'm laughing at you through my own eyelids. i miss you, kind self. i miss our talks. i miss your insolence and i miss your sincerity. i miss the ability to close my eyes and let you take over. to let you create. to let you conjur without the aided presence of my pathetic pre-judgement. maybe i need another (smaller) vacation. maybe i need a beer. maybe i need to go hit some golf balls. maybe i'll go egg oli's house when i'm back. how ironic. regardless. i need to rediscover what i came here for. i need to soak up my remaining days out of the box. the copacetic redundance is what makes me forget what i came here to do. the perfect repetitiveness of my busy days is what clouds my creativity like the devilish fog. i miss your songs, dear brain. and i miss you. if i had it my way, i'd paint you on the inside of my lids and sleep forever (this is not an eligible part of the wager).

colour-coded chaos.

though it is by no means fool-proof, there is a routine that can be fashioned through personal development in order to decipher your feelings for a person. i've found a kid-like method to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation. as basic rule of thumb, this method can be adapted to almost any circumstance, situation or person. we're almost talking pros and cons, baby. weigh it up, clear it up. green equals love. yellow equals infatuation. red equals lust. think of the person, think of the feel. write it down, count it up. you've got your answer. sweet.

can't complain about too much right now. i can say, however, that i really miss home. not in a homesick way, but in an "i'm feeling lost" way. oli makes fun of the way i must have been ranting on about home. he certainly makes fun of my feeling "homesickness" and the feelings that come with such a view. home is truly my anchor on reality. and the perfect reference point to what real life is. there was a time when my perspective of life and just how trivial it all really was would spearhead the way in my mental/spiritual/emotional pursuit of truth, understanding, wisdom, and happiness.

things are different now. i'm not angry, maybe a little side-tracked, but not angry. people grow. people change. it's natural to change - inevitable, really. but how you change is never too far from your grasp. especially this last month, going through some very private and unusual circumstances has brought me almost full circle in certain understandings and aspects of my life. in retrospect, i've seen myself with a taste of power, or achievement.. worth. and it's almost entirely changed my opinion on life. all of a sudden i'm not ready to die, it seems. haha. no that anyone should ever be. it's just words, eh? but what i mean is; i'm not finished, it seems. yeah.

there was a time when i was so content in knowing that life is just so very fleeting, so minute in the big picture that any time was a good time to go. never having been so content. and things are different now. i'm scared of achievements. i've seen so many people around me that have given so much of their lives to achieving something, seeming to sacrifice almost everything to get there, and at last, feeling so forfeit. i don't want that. i don't know what i want. i'm just a mixed-up kid. there's way too much pressure to not be complaining about.

~

there was a time when we would kiss so hard, i stood so proud and tall. i wanted to be everywhere your looking. i wanted to be everything your looking for. i wanted to remember the feeling of your skin. of your fingers.

i want to go camping. i want to go fishing. i want to cook a steak and a can of pork and beans over a fire. i want to burn marshmallows. i want to make condensation inside of a tent. i want to not brush my teeth and not wear underwear. i want to go tubing down the river and get waaay too drunk. i want to make the tent a little more condensed. i want to not comb my hair. i want hot dogs for lunch. i want a summertime. i want camping. i'm gonna go buy a tent tomorrow and i'm gonna start camping out on hostel front lawns. yessss. i'm feeling good. different. a little scared. but good. i'm almost 21 now, for god sakes. i'm pretty much almost an adult. pretty much. almost. i want to go camping.

what do you get if you mix red, yellow and green? is it like a burnt orange colour? because orange is my favourite. am i grasping?

~

colourblind carter.

18 days.

and i'm gunna soak them up like you wouldn't believe. so please don't shoot me down. hate is such a weak emotion. yet perhaps the most powerful - anger is such a motivating emotion. if there's one thing i've learned, it's to try not to let your hate motivate. and, for that matter, don't let your anger instigate (but let it insight change). that's the good weed. the right blood to bleed. i heard you were looking for me. you can't find this. you couldn't handle it if you found it. so don't find it. i found it. the right way. the better way. a brighter day.

enhanced navigation.

no more running. no more hiding. only standing and only siding; with myself and no one who can't handle what i'm made of. love it or hate it, you can't mistake me, and THAT doesn't make me wrong. no more impressing, no more up dressing, no more back breaking; stretching for stressing. no more back biters. no more close liars. no more mirror time i could use building fires. fuck what doesn't make me happy. and always choose being happy over fucking.

i'm only as crazy as you all make me, but that doesn't make me wrong,
love it or hate me, you can't mistake me, and THAT doesn't make me wrong.

i could never live life easy
i could never just slow down
and as long as i keep moving i'm falling
but it feels so good to get up off the ground
and if i'm the same when i'm older
i won't be just a face in the crowd

i'm only as crazy as you all make me
and that doesn't make me wrong
love it or hate me, you can't mistake me
and that doesn't make me wrong

i could never live like its over
when running in circles is allowed
cause it takes so much to keep me from falling
but i'd rather be a risk than on the ground
and if i'm the same when i'm older
i won't be just a face in the crowd
the sweet isn't the sweet without the sour

your lips, my biggest weakness - shouldn't have let you know!
i'm always gonna do what they say.

minority drinks.

i haven't repeatedly checked and over-analysed texts from my inbox in really quite some time. so teen, i am. so teen, i am! but it's a pretty damn fine feeling. it is my belief that you can't feel fully without moderation. and i've had tool hands for far too long. let's see where it goes, let's see how we be, son - i'm working my way through. if it burns, it's gonna be okay.

the heat is rising - we're all winners tonight.