request # 1

got an hour and nineteen minutes until we go on a backpacker's pub crawl. into the town area of surfer's paradise. i'm excited. feels like i haven't met or even made brief exchange with anybody new in almost a week. normally, this wouldn't bother me.

6.42am back home, 3.42pm here. still need to get used to this. i'm so tired all the time.

so quite a few of my friends and even some of my family have asked me to stop writing about who i am and what i'm thinking. but rather, where i am and what i'm doing. makes sense to me. sorry for being weird and having a pop at the creative. *insert first smiley face in carter's blogging history* this smiley is both apologetic and simple. simpletic, if you like. so take it with you. everywhere.

:)

as it goes, i've got a bunch of handwritten accounts in my satchel. my satchel. a satchel. yeah, i got a satchel instead of a backpack. satchel. so i'm gonna try and type them up on here while i have some time to kill/internet access. if the latter isn't about, i'll type them on notepad and just C & P their black arses. most of the dates and locations will actually be fairly accurate. some of it's still a little too thoughtful by my standards, but it's what i got down at the time, so i'll be true to you. enjoy!

also, if anyone's reading, i am really starting to get excited about the world cup. but in a strange way, kinda upset that i won't be back home for it. goes both ways, i guess. so please do this for me - http://www.facebook.com/ThinkCabanga - it's awesome.

anyway.

april 30th 2010 - bangkok, thailand 9.00pm

we were at a muay thai event in this awesome stadium just outside all the red-shirt trouble streets surrounded by the bamboo and tyre walls. the taxi driver opens our windows as we drive past, the sounds of stamping and chanting were far from inviting. and despite the peaceful motive of which the protest was built behind, i was horrified. got my camera out. done. drive.

he forgot to put the windows back up. felt the need to remind him.

we got there a good hour early and therefore had time to work our way through the 'wheelbarrow' bar menu. the beers are good, aside the singha beer (nightmare beer, avoid it), this had been a nice experience for us both. we were then given our tickets. i noticed they were VIP. this night was going to hot up, whether we liked it or not.

they seem to have isolated us whites from the locals. i didn't know why, but i would soon realise it was because they get massively rowdy and also appeared to be making sly bets with one another. the fighters came out and it all seemed very respectable. the fighters danced to some cultural delight and they then disrobed and got at it. awesome? the first punch was thrown. and, for me, everything changed. i started to take in the surroundings - the sights, the sounds. each subtlety seemed to tone down my enjoyment of the situation. and like some sort of paint-removing rain cloud was hanging above, the colours of the occasion turned to greys.

if i was in the other corner - armed with only the closest possible male relatives; swimming through a stream of motivation. rising to the bate of provocation and aggressive encouragement. would i act the same knowing that my opponent was fueled with the very same forms of desire, passion, and ache?

i'm glad i'm an eastern western. this whole thing seemed staged and money-hungry. they claim that this is the most artful and respectful form of combat. i don't know.

like most anything, the beers and banter made it a good night. small shame we were sat in a box full of loud americans baiting the young fighters. big shame that we seemed to encounter them everywhere in this region of the world. the girls redeem. though they're probably canadian.

may 4th 2010 - koh samui, thailand 6.45pm.

we decided to go for a walk along the beach just before it got dark. i have no idea why we did this. i think oli wanted some food and i was up for a walk along the coast. either way, this marked the first time we 'fell out'. yeps. it was bound to happen, anyways, and there was kind of a waiting feel about it. writing this a month later, i'm very aware that worse has happened.

so oli got some food and i had too many pepsis. it got dark, we got lost. we got annoyed. walking along that beach, all burnt, covered in sweat and sand with no idea where we were was highly irritating, exhausting and painful. it didn't have to happen, i think that's what annoyed me most. that, coupled with the fact that the speed he was walking at seemed nothing half of determined. plus the fact that i annoy easily. plus-plus the fact that i was burnt all over and had cut-up feet lead to our first fall out. i was pretty mean.

we got back, wrote a rap and forgot about it. here it is;

my man od's gunna hit you with the words
cause when it comes to singin'
i don't gots no verse

but when the beat slows down
and the bass turns up
carters gonna kick it wit ya
til this joint is long-past shut

all killer, no filler, no fuckin' around
watch out ladies, od's in town.

gorgeous girls, in koh samui (they call it koh samui)
rocking my world, in koh samui (seriously, they D)

more of these will come, and the rap will surely develop, but i'm gonna go now because i've blogged a lot today. a load, in fact. and there's a bird that kind of looks like a dangerous seagull with a longer, sharper, darker beak walking around by my bare feet. and, if swans can kill...

laters.

a homage to times spent.

apologies if there are errors, i am, after all, just a fan boy.

------------------------------------

the temperature's low when i'm with them
they make me cold
they're not my friends

the damage is done
it's all i know
but we could leave, yeah we could go

i play my guitar when there's nothing else to do
one night in the fog has left me wanting to
go

take me back to LA
we'll drive around the whole day
with stars colliding aboe our door
we'll explore the bright lights
and avoid all the night fights
we'll sit around and wait for more

doing 50 with the windows down
admire the sights in the sunrise
all you wanted was to watch tv
and then we'll go
after your show

i book my flights when there's nothing left to do
back to the place where i first met you

take me back to LA
we'll drive around the whole day
with stars colliding aboe our door
we'll explore the bright lights
and avoid all the night fights
we'll sit around and wait for more

we'll be sleeping with the lights on, lights on
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, uh oh
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, lights on
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, uh oh
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, lights on
we'll be sleeping with the lights on, uh oh
we'll be sleeping with the

take me back to LA.

------------------------------------

i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way

relax

we bon voyage onto the interstella airways
the artois of existence and i've only drunk one glass
if you love me why don't you come and hug me?
i'm scared of talking to you
like people scared of alligators spiders alligators spiders alligators
even if it's just goodbye, i just wanna talk to you

i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way
yeah i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
I CAN'T RESIST HER

i am the master of the conversation killer
i'm not your boyfriend but sure i do wanna get in your pants
it's looking tasty so let's pick up the pace, please
even if it's just one night, i just wanna talk to you

i don't care what love is, oh baby
just come give us a kiss
oh i do,
i don't care what love is, oh baby
just come give us a kiss
oh i do,
i don't care what love is, oh baby
just come give us a kiss
oh i do,

monopoly.

i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way
i don't care
whatever you're thinking
if you wanna talk, i'm there
'cause i'm lost
and your eyes are steamin' up
so let me find a way

we bon voyage onto the interstella airways, so just come give us a kiss.

------------------------------------

I was lost,
inside you.
Force a smile, for a while,
can’t get through.
You were here,
in my arms,
glance at me, fail to see,
all alarms.
I had tried,
to hold on,
all this pain, can’t replace,
and now you’re gone.

but there's inspiration in this sadness.
motivation, how i wish i had this.
the truth is carried, by heavy breathing.
lost of opinion, controlled by meaning.

How did I let you get to me?
With all this time, I failed to see.
That you’d torn down my walls,
and you’d silenced all my falls.
Yet now I still question, why,
why you left me here, I cry.
I wonder how I was ever wrong,
as I face reality, knowing you’re gone.

Darkness swathes my brown eyes:
The vigorous force that rests in the black skies.
Darkness swathes my brown eyes:
The vigorous force expires at sunrise.

------------------------------------

two-thousand five, baby.

i book my flights when there's nothing else to do.

i care way too much about what you think. whoever you are.





but it doesn't matter right now - i've found a good groove for the time being. hands are off the guns. guard is down. peace isn't quite found. though i'm closer than i've ever been, there is still a lot of work to be done.

back at it..

shared.

double-anal.

the stopping and thinking, the space between blinking, the time we take leisure and measure and rhyming and pleasure. the more i stop to think, the less i think i can stop. the act of stopping. the hesitation of going. bearing a fine line between green and red, go and shouldn't. bright green sunglasses, bright green english classes.

i bet misspelling english is just too fuckin' stupid.

i'm not afraid to keep going - being alone is terrifying and i won't let that stop me. i can't. the fact that it scares me is the same principal i base on the fact that i cannot stop. i have to learn. i have to fear. i have to grow. the show must go.

when i can finally write down what i think to the tune of only myself as the audience then i know i will be saying what i mean. this transparency can do nobody any justice. this menagerie is of absolutely no benefit to anyone. perpetuating the psychological predisposition that has been my greatest weakness since my moment of independent cognition - will do me no good.

i need to shave. just a little.. i do not like shirts with tight collars. it feels too confining. i do not like shirts with loose-neck anymore. i feel too exposed. i'm changing. a lot. and its good. and its bad. and its painful. and its dangerous. and its new. and its exciting. and its terrifying. and its liberating. and its life altering. and i will come out the other end with both legs and arms and still breathing. still running. still laughing. still lovin'. still living. still swinging.



listen to bob marley.

three bites, one finger.

things are moving at a different pace lately. less frantic. the walls aren't caving in. over the past few weeks i've experienced something i'd never before. moments of an afternoon are made to seem as though they were carefully edited clips comprising the trailer to a half-decent movie. complete with perfectly timed theme music. yeah, there's still tough times and heavy hits. but i'm certainly diggin' the calm and crazy kicks that have so far come with what people would label 'self-discovery'.

~ do you ever have those moments where what you're doing makes complete sense because of the song that's playing? or what you're doing all of a sudden becomes one of the most important moments in your life, timed perfectly to the right sound?

bad things happen in good movies.

good movies can also end poorly. so not to say there isn't shit on some sidewalk somewhere. not to say you don't need to keep your battle stations manned. keep your edge, however you can. keep it sharp and keep it close.

enough about you. what about me? where do i find MY peace?

try reading more than one book. (books ABOUT that one book, DO NOT COUNT as other books.) i don't need to dwell on whether there is a hell. i'm sure i've got plenty more positive things to think about. but peace. peace is always hard to find. no matter how grand your imagination is.

where can anybody really find it these days? shit is fucked. people are trying to find something safe in their lives to turn to and are presented with pockets full of pills and plasma screens. anyways - i found some peace. here and there. what good is moderation if you don't have anything great to tempt you?

i can't believe how much work there is to do. always. it often keeps me up at night. i sleep great though. it took a while. but i can sleep again! everything that happens in your life becomes who you are. you can't be happy with who you are until you can accept everything you've been through for what it is - your complexion.

fuck yeah, we did it. with all of our hearts.

but you can't help but live like you're never going to die. somehow the middle makes itself clear. lucidity isn't always a cure. and sedation is almost never the right medication. but somewhere in the middle, somewhere i don't really care to pinnpoint at this point, there is a healthy balance.

one foot in front of the others. temp.

Evens itself out.

so, after a fortnight, this is the first time i've got air of the feeling of wanting to go home. i'll explain why -

1. i got sun burnt without spending all that much time in the sun and now my right shoulder is annoyingly patchy.

2. i broke my toe playing takraw. left sided. it sucks. great game, but it sucks.

3. i ripped a load of skin from the top of my right foot. hurts putting shoes on, hurts walking (much like the broken toe on opposing foot), hurts letting air get to it, hurts when i wash.

4. i got a chlorine burn in the worst possible place. no more fun for carter.

5. i packed too much shit and my backpack is ridiculously heavy in comparison to any other backpack i've come by. this goes hand in hand with a burnt shoulder.

6. oli's ipod is broke.




evens itself out. fucking joke.

Dark.

We don't, we don't
Need another way to fall in love
And flood our veins with someone new
Before we're empty of the last one
With intuition through tunnel vision
We'll make the same mistakes we made
On the last one, on the last one

Bright lights in a city that seems
Too big to ever believe
Soul searching is a dangerous road
Where thrill seekers get dead to get living
So desperate and deliberate
We crush the scene with fingertips
An appetite for nights with hazy incidents

Cigarettes and a shadowy dance
When earthquake girls give you the chance
We are the kids who love to love
The third act stories of guts and glory

We don't, we don't
Need another way to fall in love
And flood our veins with someone new
Before we're empty of the last one
With intuition through tunnel vision
We'll make the same mistakes we made
On the last one, on the last one

Tonight's the night when we will
Fall asleep and wake up from the
Black party dress that we call one night stands
And with these hands, we'll wash the sheets
To wash away and wipe a clean slate
Of lipstick grins and midnight gin
To choke away our lost boy mistakes

We don't, we don't
Need another way to fall in love
And flood our veins with someone new
Before we're empty of the last one
With intuition through tunnel vision
We'll make the same mistakes we made
On the last one, on the last one

Bright lights in a city that seems
Too big to ever believe
On the last one

the water here stinks.

*KEYS AND ACOUSTIC*

1]
i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i don't know if it's even fair to try.
but this burning,
is turning,
internal.
i'm burning inside,
i'm on fire!

2]
if i told you how much this all hurts me (it burns me).
if i told you just how sorry i am.
if i painted you paintings,
all blues and greys,
would it change a thing?
maybe i'll sing?

*DRUMS*

sub]
all these fallen leaves
surrounding me
but the breeze don't feel right.
falling fast asleep
yeah, i can dream
but my dreams don't feel right.

*PAUSE*

int]
i turn on the light.

*ALL*

chor]
i'm done with the lies,
i'm done with the trying to hide things (and),
i-i-i'm done with the drinking,
i'm thinking;
it's normal to know myself,
for myself.
but that's not me.

3]
i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i'd at least have to try.
so i pull,
the wool
over your eyes.
and the wool in your eyes
makes you cry.

4]
but that taught me,
that's not me
to be that way.
and that's why i changed -
let me show you that i've changed.

brkdwn]
and i've been workin' day and night on iimprovements.
renovating all my ways to brand new.
and if you don't decide today,
don't worry.
i'll stay til you do.
til you do-do-do-do.

sub]
all these fallen leaves
surrounding me
but the breeze don't feel right.
falling fast asleep
yeah, i can dream
but my dreams don't feel right.

int]
i turn on the light.
and
i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i'd at least have to try.
have to try.

chor]
i'm done with the lies,
i'm done with the trying to hide things (and),
i-i-i'm done with the drinking,
i'm thinking;
it's normal to know myself,
for myself.
but that's not me.

int]
so i'll do this for me,
and i'll do this to be
a better man.
so you'll
see me,
clearly.

i don't know if i deserve to have you back.
i'd at least have to try.

the proposed workout plan.

the proposed workout plan.




drink as much water as possible - if it makes you more awake, alert (aware), and wonderful then i'm all in.

leg raisers - 3 sets of 30.

push-ups - 3 sets of 20.

sit-ups - 4 sets of 20.

run whenever and wherever possible.

minimalise mcdonalds, coke and booze consumption.

sleep with people instead of masturbating.

don't do push-ups outside a gym that ollie is in if you haven't paid for the privilege - they don't like it.

be absolutely competetive with anything atall physical. annoyingly competetive.

try to enjoy it.

numbers.

officially, i have fallen in love five times in little over seven days. around this area of the world, the number six is unlucky. fatal. also, the number six is mentioned far too much in this blog. so it is decided that i'm going to live like a monk for the next few weeks. a monk with a special invisibility cloak and high self esteem/B.O.B's album.

at least my range is good - one from liverpool. one from brisbane. a local bar worker (koh samui). a brummy. and our maid (koh samui). yeah, quality. shorty is a eenie meenie minee mo lover.

we're going out for our last night in samui later with two friends we made at the half moon party. gonna go to a kickboxing gym beforehand. on it. i think this might be the first and only time anyone has ever been physically intimdated by me. i've got a good reach and lengthy legs. dragonfly vs. the toad. on it.

so the objective of this blog is that ultimately, i'm one away from big trouble. let's get together and feel alright (avoid me like the plague).


yours,
'cambridge'. x

6 Days.

six days.



mum, aunt and nan packing my stuff - how eastern of me; how typical of my family.
singing sisqo with dad in the car. his fiercly accurate harmonies. heathrow. crying mother. strong father. security. the guy who propped me for staring at this mad-fly chicas with a similar air of approval. called OD. met OD. first beer - couldn't finish it. taken down a peg. thought about the previous night's "boat race". plane. guy in front only serves as an annoyance but looks like me so i can't address my anger because OD's response will be "that's because he looks like you". would have said something to the woman behind me, too - if she were male. knee in my back, coughed on my neck, had that weird croaky-deep french accent that may prove to have been german. took off. slept. woke. watched the invention of lying. watched will ferrell as george "dubyah" bush. watched sherlock holmes for actually the 5th time. realised how precise this list is. stopped it. there. promise. done. landed.

easy visa. got bags. shampoo exploded in OD's bag and went all over his clothes. OD is from now on known as "sham", carter as "satch" - i have a stupid bag. got ripped off by a taxi driver. almost got ripped off by a tuk tuk driver. got a shit room in bangkok. saw the red shirt protest bamboo and tire walls. saw some temples. saw a baby with a crow in a cage. saw our first ladyboy. ate some greasy shit. watched some muay-tai fighting. got propositioned more times than i can remember. found a mcdonalds. stayed in a floating house on the river kwai for 2 days. saw the bridge. saw a guy punching a leopard. hated it. met "the colonel" (an australian 67 year old divorcee who looked like a high authority of the KFC company.. or like your most typical white land owner). visited the POW war museum and memorial. saw too many headstones with carters from cambridge and birmingham on them. found the most "hills have eyes" village in thailand. you're cute, but i don't wanna pet you. went on death railway. walked through hellfire pass. crossed danger bridge. twice. saw a sign by land for sale with the name "HUTCH". thought about friends :) starsky got love for you.

12 hour night bus and connecting boat to koh samui. started writing a screenplay. started drawing. crazy lonely. pissed sham off for the first time. watched half an episode from the pirated family guy collection. captain of the boat tried to buy my
shoes for 400 baht. got sleeping patterns together. worked out. satch got annoyed with sham for the first time. got on the internet. missed my family. got drunk. smashed glass. cocaine. spiked drink. first night in koh samui = just fine*. had a weird bonding moment in the bathroom with sham. found out my shit don't stink.
went to the "happy bar". watched a steven segal movie. got sick of steven segal movies. watched an episode of tales from the crypt, i think. either way it equals awful. thought of my brother. messed with "a vegetated" sham. "you're doing my fucking block/case/nut/head/nog/job/edward in. worked chilled on the beach. i like you. sham got funny, wished i could remember to type or make note of every good or at least half good quote. got better at travelling. did stuff on my own. had to. stopped calling OD "sham". hoped my negativity didn't brush off on him. mini bar. drunk. broke. got some sun. met a monk. just so happens i also met a monkey. got charged for meeting the monkey. did some more stuff on my own. fetched OD a soda or something! checked the title. day is nearly up.

"my balls are purple, my poo is black.. i'm getting out the bath now so we can go to the beach. if my drink wasn't spiked last night, i don't know what was.. i tell you who i wouldn't mess with - steven segal. okay i'm out now. oh, i'm glad i look good" - OD. a direct quote.

* = reference to a blog in progress.


i absolutely should not be getting ripped for liking justin bieber by a guy who listens to metallica daily.

"The Beach".

beautiful music forever inspired by ugly girls.




- writing.
- thinking.
- running.
- learning.
- living.
- drinking.
- loving.
- wondering.




will transfer as much of my paper scraps to here as soon as I get the opportunity. water fight, barrel roll!