7 hours agoSent from a phoneBenjamin Carter
i don't understand. i am a huge, big, massive, deep-sleeper (and am known coast-wide for it), yet i'm persistently the first person to wake up after the party. and i gotta tell ya, hungover contemplation when you're alone by yourself is officially something to avoid. messy bessy: a dangerous and dirty cocktail to cut-the-fuck away from that "fave metaphorical 'tails" scrapbook of mine/yours. sure of it; a bad decision in a glass.
in the past six or so weeks i have carelessly, ridiculously, fantastically(?), hopelessly and totally thrown any "even remotely" interesting relationships i collected with the female population directly to the spring-warm wind.
CTRL.ALT.END.SIMILAR.WORD.SEARCH.PLEASE.MATE
and there was actually a fair amount of them, yeah. which is odd. you'd expect me to maybe fuck up one or two, but several? i dunno, guy...
a couple were friends of the past, there were a few complete strangers, actually. and another was a friend-of-a-friend. which is the worst, isn't it?
i'm yet to realise if this was a stroke of genius from the carts or just another slip-up down the now stupidly slidey slope of formality that is of common knowledge to the post-teenage version of benjamin. (the carts is my alter-ego, he's not doing so well at the moment: currently quietly eclipsed by me, benjamin. which i'm pretty happy about although also fully aware that it will only be for a short while).
my mouth gets me in trouble. yes. my mind gets me in trouble. yes. my eyes get me in trouble. yes. my words get me in trouble. yes. but i can't work out where i get it from? there's not a mean-streak in my family. anyone that knows me well enough will have witnessed that, first hand. vouch vouch vouch. and i haven't gone through any terribly traumatic experiences or relationships thus far that would wish or warrant a saying otherwise. sure, they've been messy or silly, but there's absolutely no justification in them waters. i also have the greatest of great friends that tell it straight when i'm out of line. so i dunno.
the blame can only therefore lie with myself (awaits demographic applause)! i'm sorry if i upset you, or if i ruined things, or if i shut you out. and now you know that.
i'm done with the one-nighters, the too-muchers, the too-sooners, the too-nicers, the too-dullers, the too-tooers, the way-strongers, the too-crazyers, the too-directers, the too-what-the-fuckers, the way-olders, the too-i-got-a-boyfrienders, the too-littlers, the too-laters, the too-far awayers, the too-guideders, the too-neediers, the too-depresseders, the too-complexers, the too-just-never-gonna-happeners, the too... samey. ers. i really am.
it's not like i'm outright looking for this person who has somehow slipped through the filters of the above, but i'm ready for her? if that makes sense, even in the slightest, to anyone, go me!
it's not the biggest secret - i'm an ass hole, a liar, arrogant, selfish, rude, volatile, irrational, at times unkind, overrated, stupid, and absolutely reckless individual. but vulnerability is something of a canvas, is it not? and, as you may have noticed, i've been with a fair share of girls that are at least a bit-part similar. so i'm not the only one.
wish for the hour, that the night time soon shall pass.
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fool, you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean
caress her skin like it's glass
she hears your voice making plans
and sees your face in her hands
you don't wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall
how do you say that something's through
when it never even started
at least not for you!?
you breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf
after the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet
it wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
i just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near
i wasn't prepared i wasn't thinking of you
that you could actually love me
and would gradually love me
it never should have started
she's dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn't know what to believe
it must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don't think about me anymore
but it was the kiss, that took her away
it's like I knew that she was fragile
i handled her like glass
and it hurts but it's what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the lovers that I've handled
and knowing this
i know that she'll get hers
but I don't want the girl to suffer
oh, not the way I am
because deep down I know
that I'm glass too
but it really doesn't matter
until it's happening to you
everybody breaks
everybody breaks sometimes
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remember what you're worth
remember you're worth fighting for
remember you're not a punching bag
remember you're not a doormat
remember you are valuable
remember you are repairable
remember you are tangible
remember you matter
remember they don't
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the aim for the next couple months is essentially to stock up, shut myself in, switch off, sort it out, and start screenwriting again. that way, i'll be back out fresh-as-a-mo-fuh'ing-daisy by summer. having not hurt anybody.
benj
~
i'm again left waiting to find focus and drive in the life i live. i am again waiting to say "there's nowhere else i'd rather be". and i'm again left to wait for that someone to be there with.
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